Default

If something bothers me to the point of anxiety (as things often do), I usually default to one of two different modes. The first is Project Mode during which I will simply smother the anxiety by employing my energies elsewhere. I'm sorry, brain. I can't deal with this right now so I'm going to distract you with a project. It's always easier to dismiss the big problems I can't solve and find the little ones I can. And so the bigger the worry, the cleaner my bedroom. My bedroom is immaculate.

The second default is Fix-It Mode, where instead of avoiding a problem I will dive right in and obsess over a solution. After all, dissecting a problem and examining all its bits and pieces will surely help me fix it, right? I can fix it! Wrong. Because for every [insert problem here] I try to fix, I usually find 5 more. And some things just can't be fixed by sheer willpower.

These practices of total avoidance or immersion have served me well (or not so well) in the past, but they've been a bit less effective lately.

So what's happened lately? Nothing, really. I'm shouldering many of the same worries I've carried for a while, they're just a bit heavier. Most of these worries revolve around an elusive sense of self/purpose. While others seem to be settling into a comfortable routine, I have this frantic feeling of just getting started. The landscape of my future isn't clear and let's face it, I'll be 30 in a couple weeks and I kinda hate it. Because it feels like I should be somewhere I'm not. However, this is not some cliche meltdown. I realize nothing significant is going to happen at the stroke of midnight on my birthday; I just wish I had a better sense of what's coming next. It's not turning 30 I'm worried about, it's the years that follow and where those years lead. 

Fortunately, going back to school has given me the strongest sense of purpose and place that I've had in the last few years. When I'm there, I know what I'm doing and frankly, it's easy to switch on Project Mode when you have actual projects assigned. Whenever I start drifting, I can just pull out an assignment and let it take over. That's healthy, right? As long as it's not excessive? And as long as I'm not ignoring any real problems that need addressing??

So while I'm learning more about who I am and what I'm capable of and while things really are progressing, sometimes I worry they're not progressing quickly enough. Or that they should have all been worked out by now. Whatever that all means... sigh... 

You Would Cry Too If It Happened To You

Have you time for a rant? Too bad. It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm playing the it's-my-party-and-I'll-cry-if-I-want-to card NOW.

I'm currently driven to distraction by the fact that I might not pass a class in which my instructor said my work was beyond that of even some of her advanced students. She did. She also asked if she could keep some of my work to show her future classes. Which I agreed to. She even thanked me once for knowing who Ladybird Johnson was. 

Surprisingly, I still love this teacher and her class. I show up, contribute to the lectures, and work on projects during appointed class time, even when most other students leave as soon as the lecture's over. My last project took me well over 20 hours to complete and now all that hard work might end up in the pooper due to an attendance policy that was not communicated in the class syllabus. The entire class felt sucker-punched when she announced the news about HOW our tardies and/or absences would affect our grades. Right now I have an A or better, but that could all change. "Don't worry - some of my best students have had to retake this course."

Uhhh... What about my assignments? What about all my work in class? WHAT ABOUT LADYBIRD JOHNSON??

We'll know on Friday when the final grades are posted... I've never prayed for a C in all my life. If those handful of tardy-but-only-by-a-few-minutes make the difference between passing and not passing or if the pothead that sat next to me who was ALWAYS on time but basically just occupied a chair before falling asleep - if he gets a passing grade and I don't, I will have no choice but to... but to... but to... 

Retake the class? Oh, please... Gimme that C!

Hate is a strong word, but I really, really, really don't like you...

This evening's post marks the return of The Coworker...

So much for the high road, eh Lauren??

But maybe you never liked High Road Lauren in the first place. Maybe she's like anyone else and needs to commiserate about some of the difficult things she's dealt with recently. Maybe, because this is her blog, you'll just have to humor her.

Sparing you the details, let me just say the past couple months at work have been high stress. More-so than usual because our department is smaller than it was last year. We're in the middle of our busiest season, tripping over our own feet as we try to stay ahead of the next inevitable mess. Pretty exciting stuff for the scented candle industry, right?? But this year most of our frustration centers around one person. Let me back up...

Our accounting department was overhauled in May. That meant jobs were shuffled around in our office and The Coworker moved from my department to accounts receivable. It was a good change; one we were all satisfied with, including The Coworker. But as our busy season approached, cooperation between departments deteriorated. That is, one person's willingness to cooperate with the rest of us deteriorated. A lot. Which didn't make anyone's job any easier. 

Those in my department tried shrugging things off, mostly because our time is so limited. But soon we were passed shrugging and things got tense. So tense that a couple days ago I received a nasty response to an email I'd sent The Coworker regarding one of our accounts. We went back and forth a few times (because actual confrontation sucks) until finally she sent a diatribe that began with the following sentence: Let's get something straight... The rest of the email soured from there.

I work with lovely people, including those in our upper management. My supervisor is one of the most easy-going people I know. She gets along with EVERYBODY, but even she has reached her limit. We want to help each other out, but constantly making unnecessary accommodations for one person doesn't make sense. So I replied once more to The Coworker - a cordial apology for any misunderstanding that had taken place - and copied my supervisor on the email at her request. Now it's just a matter of sorting things out, because we're all pretty miserable with the current state of things. 

A Migraine Story

I experienced my second-ever migraine on Sunday morning. Katie burst in my bedroom about 5 minutes past time-for-church o'clock and impatiently asked if I would please move my car since I was parked behind her. (Which I did to provoke her, of course.) From my pile of pillows I peered up at that righteous, freshly-showered, well-dressed sister of mine. 

While Katie rolled her eyes impatiently, my eyes throbbed painfully in their sockets. So I shut them once more and told Katie she could just take my car instead. 

"Are you coming to church?" 

"...No."

"Are you coming to choir?" Uh-oh...

"Nuh-uh."

"Why?"

"Because... I see spots."

"SIGH... Where are your keys??"

I rolled over and groped around blindly for the purse next to my bed... Grope, grab, dig, shuffle, jingle, jangle... 

"Here." Toss...

Door shuts. And somehow, Lauren falls back to sleep...

I couldn't tell you much about the rest of the morning, but when I woke up again a couple hours later, my heart was pounding and the words "Quarter Quell" were racing through my mind... Yes, a nasty migraine might be easily explained if I were subconsciously participating in The Hunger Games all night long. But given my sister's attitude that morning, I doubt my dream self volunteered as tribute on her behalf. 

...

Kryptonite

Things are rather grim at the moment. The following is an exaggeration, but the melodrama makes me feel better...

The air conditioning is spewing very little air into my bedroom and I don't much like how loud my trusty box fan is when turned up to its highest setting. It's what I imagine riding in a fan-propelled airboat on a bayou would sound like. But the cool-but-noisy vs. still-but-sweltering debate is a no-brainer: cool-but-noisy every time. 

Last night I woke up in a fit because I was too hot. Pillows, blankets, PJs, hair, etc. - all uncomfortably warm and heavy and terrible. A sleep-tantrum ensued and I kicked every offending article from my bed. Lost my cool because I couldn't keep my cool. 

A lesson on Kryptonite (as outlined on Wikipedia): 

Superman is most vulnerable to Kryptonite... Exposure to Kryptonite nullifies Superman's powers and immobilizes him with pain and nausea; prolonged exposure will eventually kill him.

Substitute "kryptonite" and "Superman" with "heat" and "Lauren" (respectively) and adjust the pronouns... There... That about covers it. (It will kill me.)

DISCLAIMER: Hot weather related whine-posts will continue through September at the latest.

Lauren's Open Letters...

Dear Pinterest,

Cool it with the near-pornographic health & fitness pins of women flexing their tanned, air-brushed bottoms in tiny panties. Do you want to motivate women or discourage them before they even know what your "booty-licious butt workout" is all about? Sounds gross. Looks grosser. 

Dear Rain,

More... MOOORRREEEEE!!!

Dear Important Public Figures Who Die And Are Suddenly Quoted By The Masses Online, 

I guess we're honoring your legacy by recalling all the beautiful things you said while you were still with us. Things we once pinned on Pinterest. Or scribbled on a Post-It we later placed on our bathroom mirrors as encouragement. (Maybe that was just me...) Yes, hopefully now we'll try a little harder to live by your wisdom... But let's also hope your words were attributed correctly on the internet to begin with.

Dear Cute Sandwich Guy,

Thanks for making my tasty turkey and cranberry sandwich on wheat. Though I'd still probably thank you even if you weren't cute, as attractiveness usually doesn't signify any guy's ability to make a tasty sandwich. But then this would be addressed to "Sandwich Guy" instead of "Cute Sandwich Guy," so... 

Dear Guy Running Next to Me On A Treadmill,

Uh-oh... You’ve jammed your machine a couple times now... I'm not sure hanging off the console like that is good running form. Looks a bit awkward. And you seem fit - I saw you walking upright when you got here! Just run with the treadmill, not against it. And if you can't, ease up on the incline and dial back the speed to a more comfortable pace. "It is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength." That's why you see me just chuggin' along. Let's chug together.  

Dear Ichiban Sushi,

Thank you for the extra eel sauce! You know you don't drizzle enough of that stuff on your Vegas Roll... Next time I think I'll just have a bowl of the eel sauce with my sushi as a side. 

Dear This,

I haven't heard of a Northern gentleman, but I do think an English gentleman trumps a Southern gentleman every time. I could drop a few names if you'd like...

Dear Girl Who Keeps Referring to Herself as a Solid 7,

I've heard you repeat the same dating stories a few times now. Stories in which you relate all the reasons why, on a scale of 1 to 10, you think you're a 7. Or how you've dated a bunch of zeros. As a Solid 3, I appreciate that you have better self-esteem than myself (unless this is really just an exercise in building confidence?) and yeah, I bet it is hard out there for a 7... But rating yourself and then gloating about it? I'm docking you a couple points. Which, I realize, would make me about a 1... Since I'm just sitting here complaining about you on the internet.  

Dear Roadkill Scattered All Over The Highway On My Way To Work,

You are one of the less pleasant signs of summer and you make me sad. Then after a few days, you make me sick. I often can't identify what you once were - probably something with a cute, furry face - but whatever your species, please save your little 4-legged selves and stay away from the road. Remember, that big loud thing with 18 wheels can move a lot faster than you and it doesn't care how cute you are.

Dear Adventure Time,

Like Spongebob Squarepants, you are funny, strange, and just a little bit perverted. Only slightly moreso.

Sincerely,

The Solid 3

P.S. Sometimes I hate everything I type (too snarky! too boring! too personal!), but then I consider the time I took to type it and the time it would take revising before I didn't hate it anymore... Aaaaannndd publish.

I know an old lady...

There is a gargantuan fly buzzing around my room. My fear is that as soon as I'm asleep, he will fly into my mouth and I will swallow him. "I don't know why she swallowed that fly." Perhaps I'll die.

The weekend was lovely - Maleficent and fro-yo with friends, dinner and movies with the cousins, pool time with my sister, Sunday evening BBQ and volleyball in the backyard. I felt I should publicly showcase some of my social interactions like any self-assured, social butterfly type person would. I do fun things with fun people! No pictures, but these things definitely happened. They did! 

This Wednesday is my company's Lagoon Day. Since they turn 22 on June 6th, my plan was to treat Katie & Michael to an epic birthday-at-Lagoon CELEBRATION! Subsequently winning Best Sister of the Year award and outshining all other birthday well-wishers. Michael hasn't been in years, so I was especially excited for him to see all the new attractions. I requested enough tickets for the 3 of us + 2 more for Alisa & Dustin. HOO-RAY! 

Then on Sunday I found out Michael had spent all of Saturday at Lagoon with his newest PG (Prospective Girlfriend) AND bought himself a season pass, making my oh-so-thoughtful birthday ticket for him redundant. "Now you don't have to buy me one!" ...I took it fairly well, though. At Sunday dinner when Michael asked me to pass the salt I said, "Are you sure you want me to pass it? Wouldn't you rather go out and just buy your OWN?" But we're all friends again and looking forward to a beautiful day at the next-best-thing to Disneyland you can find in the state of Utah.

Tepid

My brother, the Hot Water Bandit, robbed our family of all the hot water this morning. By the time I turned on my shower and waited for the water to heat sufficiently, there was nothing left but borderline lukewarm. I hopped in and promptly hopped right back out. Hot showers get me out of bed in the morning, cold showers usually send me right back. But I rallied and committed to a military shower – rinse, shut off water, lather up, rinse, repeat. I think I used about 2 tablespoons of water total. Not including my bitter tears.

Running Low

This was definitely a difficult week. My attitude certainly didn't improve anything, but sometimes you have to keep your head down and do what you can. And sometimes you must do it without slapping on a smile and pretending things are JUST. SO. GREAT.

Tuesday... A coworker (THE Coworker, rather) notified my supervisor that she would not be in because she wasn't feeling "quite herself." My snarky yet unspoken response was, "Well then who does she feel like?" quickly followed by, "When does she anticipate she'll start feeling more 'herself' again?" I know some mornings are harder than others, but even on my most un-Lauren of days it's still business-as-usual. Because that's life. 

Maybe I should be more understanding, but when your department is only a handful of people and one person constantly has ridiculous excuses for missing work, you begin to lose patience. So much patience.

There's more...

Wednesday... The Coworker left early for a doctor's appointment. She was going in for a blood test to see exactly what was wrong with her. I have my theories... Mostly I think it's just a raging case of hypochondria. Don't really know if that'll show up on a blood test, though.

Thursday... The Coworker was absent yet again and my supervisor explained that she'd received some "bad news" about her blood test. Such that both she and her husband were staying home from work as a result. But beyond that we didn't know a thing...

Well, I started feeling pretty awful at that point. What if she was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness? What if it was something painful and horrible? And here I was being impatient and just plain not-nice about the whole thing. She was going to die... I was a bad person and she was going to die. 

Later that morning, she notified our supervisor of her diagnosis. Finally we would know if the worst was true...

Her diagnosis - the news of which took a recovery time of 24 hours... A POTENTIAL WHEAT ALLERGY.

Patience depleted. 

Lately Lauren...

Likes

...Access to all of Downton Abbey Season 4 and Sherlock Season 3. I'm abstaining from just watching them all at once. Which I could easily do at this point, but let's savor them while we can, okay?

...A recent purge of my closet and other belongings. I hate being weighed down by STUFF. What would be a good name for the newly assembled pile of stuff now occupying a lonely corner of my room? A smother. A smother of stuff. And it's going straight to the D.I. where it can smother someone else. 

...The topic for my Relief Society lesson on the 19th. Now to keep myself from over-preparing.

...UN-decking the halls. Christmas is lovely, but all those glittering ornaments were starting to bum me out in this post-Christmas climate. 

..."Say Something" as performed by A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera. Also from A Great Big World, "This Is The New Year." It's a bit older, but very appropriate for obvious reasons. 

Another year you made a promise

Another chance to turn it all around

And do not save this for tomorrow

Embrace the past and you can live for now

...When my Dad brings home Spicy Buffalo Wings and Loaded Potato Skins to share. We'll forgive him for forgetting the Blue Cheese Dressing. Why did I capitalize so many things in those sentences??

...The entire office being excused early so we all had time to commute home safely.

...The musical episode of Psych and watching it with one of my very favorite families... "I've heard it BOTH ways!"

...My new phone! Long overdue... And it has a great camera. Too bad I can't take a picture of my phone with my new phone.

...My new coat from Old Navy! A steal at $20.99:

As much as I'd like to admit I find myself too enraptured with my list of likes to be bothered by much else, there are always just a few other things worth acknowledging... 

Loathes

...Smoggish fog and the armpit of winter. I hope it snows more to clear out the air and then promptly melts thereafter. I know we need the moisture, but let's make it rain instead! Ew, I said moisture.

...The prospect of school in one week... Sob.

...Nagging anxiety and the feeling of being pulled in about a thousand different directions. I can't seem to find a balance or prioritize everything going on right now and it's making me feel very unsettled.

...It's something I probably do all the time (maybe in this very entry), but lately I loathe the humblebrag. Bragging is bad enough without sugarcoating it with false modesty.

...The fact I get sucked into fashion and lifestyle blogs. I am both repulsed and transfixed. Essentially all these women do everyday is put on clothes and take pictures of themselves. Supposedly these blogs are designed to "empower & inspire" women (and some do!), but I think they also make us feel more insecure. Methinks the only woman who really feels empowered afterward is the one wearing the designer digs (c/o some-label-or-another) as she poses for her husband's camera. Hmmm... Tell me more about how $200 is a great deal for a pair of cashmere leggings. (Scrolls to view more pictures...)

...A looming visit to the doctor.

...Politics. That's all you're getting on that one.

Don't worry - fashion blogs are pretty low on my list of concerns. And humblebrags are just an occasional annoyance. Politics are always yucky, school comes and goes, and doctors visits are a necessary and uncomfortable evil we all endure. As far as the weather - it's Utah. A change of season is never very far off. But let's still cross our fingers for an early Spring. And lots of rain. 

You're how old??

Here I am on the other side of my first semester at SLCC and I'm expelling one long sigh of relief...

...

There. Done sighing. Wanna know how I survived these past couple weeks? Probably not. So we won't dwell on the unpleasantness. Let us just say I was once again reminded of how much fun it is to celebrate your birthday the same week you're preparing for finals.

My birthday...

I'm now 28 years old. But apparently I don't pass for 28. I was reminded of this a few times this week, once at work and a couple times at school. Everyone usually thinks I'm younger because... Well, I don't know... Is it my long hair? My affinity for colorful clothing? My rosy complexion? The fact I'm back in school with a younger crowd who just assume I'm roughly their same age? Or even younger?? Tonight I found out a younger classmate of mine is married to a guy who grew up in my stake. She asked if I knew his brother because she thought we were "probably about the same age." I did a little research and discovered this brother graduated high school in 2011 and is currently serving a mission. So no, I don't know this brother. 

It kinda bothered me. It wasn't just the implication I was younger, but the fact she treated me like I was. I'm sure no offense was intended, but I was a little irritated. It's just an issue of insecurity - I do worry about those things I've yet to accomplish in my 28 years. But I also want credit for those years! Don't underestimate me... I'm an adult, right? I've earned a degree. I'm pursuing a second while working full time. I'm here to prepare myself for my career, not a hobby. You worry about where you'll be at 28? I'm already there and I still worry. So much that I'm now considering a monochromatic wardrobe and above-the-shoulder haircut to give myself a more mature edge over the 19-22 year olds in my class.

There's actually a good mix of ages at SLCC. No need for me to be overly sensitive. When I'm 35 (ugh), I probably won't mind it if people think I seem a lot younger. But for now I don't want to be treated like a child by someone who was probably still in diapers while I was studying geometry and crushing on boy bands. 

... What was that about not dwelling on unpleasantness? 

On a high note... I had my yearly review at work and was heaped with praise regarding my performance during 2013. They had this girl blushing by the end of the evaluation. I'm very blessed to work for this company. It's been a positive experience overall and it's nice to know my efforts are appreciated. Now if only I could be more punctual... But we'll save that for the New Year's resolutions.

Day 5: Country roads, take me home...

Wednesday, June 12th... We made a very early start, bidding our hospitable hosts farewell. SERIOUSLY. If you want the Martha Stewart treatment on your next trip, might I recommend the Beach residence? They were so good to us! We were sad to go… Thanks, Beaches!

Our drive got off to a fairly good start… We wanted to stop for breakfast at a Denny’s in Centralia, but ended up at a much cuter restaurant called Country Cousins that shared the same parking lot. I think their food was about 10 times better, too. 

Our only non-essential stop during the rest of our drive was at Multnomah Falls in Oregon. We stayed just long enough to walk up to the falls and take a few pictures… Walk walk walk… Marvel marvel marvel… Then it was back to the car and the open road. Drive drive drive… I think the longest, ugliest part of the journey was driving through Northwest Oregon and parts of Idaho. Brown, dry hills for miles and miles. And traffic cops… 

Yes. Traffic cops. Somewhere in Oregon (where the highway speed limit is only 65 and enforced to the LETTER) Lauren was pulled over for speeding. I was distracted by my GPS and wasn't aware our car was picking up lots of speed as we drove down the canyon. I glanced up from the GPS just long enough to spot a highway patrolman sitting in his car off to the side of the road. My eyes darted from his car to my speedometer - we were quickly approaching 90 mph. I shouted a 4-letter word and slowed immediately, checking my rearview mirror to see if I was as busted as I felt. Sure enough, our highway man came driving... With a flash of his lights, we pulled over and waited for the price tag of our road trip to skyrocket. Apologies were made as I handed over all my information. What annoyed me most was that I’d been on cruise control for most of our drive so I would avoid speeding. Minutes later our officer returned to my window and explained that driving even 15 mph passed the speed limit is as hefty a fine as $180. He clocked me in at 89 MPH – a fine of $500…

… But our friendly officer, with his little highway patrol hat and a big dimple in his chin, just smiled and told us to slow down. No fine, not even a written warning. Just a reminder that the speed limit in Oregon is about 10 miles slower than everywhere else. I almost kissed that dimpled chin of his.

I couldn't tell you much about the rest of our drive. It was pretty long and boring and awful. So awful it almost cured me of my fear of flying. Almost... But tedious as our coming and going was and despite Alisa and I getting on each others' very last nerve in our final hours, the trip was a huge success and totally worth it. Hooray! 

Country Cousins Family Restaurant / Holy Cow... Alisa / Multnomah Falls / Pancakes / Alisa at the falls / Our welcome to Washington... We were sad to go! / Multnomah Lodge / More water falling / Bottom of the falls / BACON and other side dishes / Multnomah Falls / Lauren & Alisa... hiding our naked faces...

THE END

You can't always judge a book by its cover...

And Edenbrooke had a lovely cover.

Yes, I did finish the book. And while it did get slightly better, I don't think I'd recommend this book to anyone over the age of 15. Even then there are dozens of books I'd recommend before this one. I guess as a romance novel written in the 21st century (not really my genre) it was better than some, but I don't know how anyone could say this was their favorite book ever. And some reviewers did. Their favorite! Ever! Baffled.

Here are some things I found frustrating about this book...

• Repetitive descriptions...  Bound emotions threatening to spill out of Marianne's heart, Philip's smoldering eyes peering through his lashes, burning fires threatening to consume from within (Yikes! A proper romance?), a flirt who flirts flirtatiously, blushing, blushing, and MORE blushing... Philip flirts and Marianne blushes. The perfect match.
• I know this sounds petty, but Marianne shrugged a few times... The gesture just didn't fit. For a story like this, a shrug is something you wear, not something you do with your shoulders. Stop shrugging, shrugger. I know, I know... It's a dumb critique. But there were other little touches like this that also seemed out of place. 
• Excessive "telling" of everyone's emotions... Especially Philip's. We'd go from a scowl to a frown to a smile within mere sentences. Oh! Spoke too soon - now we're on the brink of tears...
• I didn't understand the relationship between Marianne and Philip... Both characters were all over the place, though there were moments I almost liked Philip. He was only slightly less frustrating. Even so, I have no idea where this attraction to Marianne came from. Is it because she's a little unorthodox? Because she's naive? Because she twirls?? 
• The narration... I may have liked Marianne more if the story hadn't been told from her point of view. And if she were as intelligent and witty as she claimed.
• I really couldn't tell you what was going on with other characters...
• All the misunderstandings and blind assumptions in the book were really weak. Just communicate! When Marianne hears that Philip is off in London doing something a rector "would never have approved of" she automatically assumes he's off whoring. Of course! Or after hearing from a perfect stranger (with a not-so-hidden agenda) that Philip is a smooth operator and notorious breaker of hearts, Marianne decides she'll simply ignore all signs of his obvious affection for her. Even when other characters tell her flat out, "Yeah, Philip is in love with you" she's still just, "Gee, I don't know... I hope we can be friends!" No... Actually he loves you... And I'm not sure why.
• And for how often she fantasized about kissing Philip, Marianne sure took her time concluding she loved him back. I wanted to be like, "Get out of the way, Marianne. You are too stupid for this relationship." When Philip finally does make his move, pushing her up against a bookcase and making out with her, you still wonder if she gets it. 

What did I like? I liked when Marianne's father showed up. That was a nice surprise. And Edenbrooke itself sounds lovely. Just as long as I don't have to stay there with any of these characters.

All in all, this fluff was a bit too fluffy for me. Sorry, guys. I like a good love story, but could do without quite so much trembling romance.

Lauren's Grade: C

Here's a review I enjoyed on Goodreads. She gives a synopsis of the book as well as her opinion. And she does it far better than I. 

Why do I hate this book??

As part of my 2013 effort to read more, I have burned through quite a few books. (Not literally... That's a no-no...) I've read 6 books so far and I'm working on a 7th...

TA-DA! So right now I am reading Edenbrooke by Julianne Donaldson. If you want to see a really terrible trailer for the book, click here. What kind of accent is that?? Anyway, I'm about 70 pages in (185 more to go!) and if I'm being completely honest, I want to throw this book at the author's face. (I was actually reading a few minutes ago, but was so irritated I had to stop.) It came so highly recommended and the reviews on Goodreads and Amazon were pretty glowing - the word AMAZING was thrown around a lot. But I cannot (at this early juncture) understand WHY. 

So far the book has been full of obnoxious flirting, "trembling" and "quivering" lips,  excessive blushing (I'm blushing at the amount of blushing in this book), "warm" and "searching" looks, fluttering nerves, and awkward dialogue that doesn't fit the time period. OH! And the romantic cliches... (rolls eyes)... The heroine, Marianne, observing a painting: "It's beautiful." The hero, Philip, observing Marianne observing the painting: "That was precisely what I was thinking." Or Marianne, talking to Philip about the horse she's riding: "A gentle mare would have never been enough to keep up with you." Philip, gazing at Marianne and smiling: "You are absolutely right." Duh, Marianne... You ARE the painting. You ARE the spirited mare. 

Throughout the first-person narrative (told from Marianne's perspective), there are many exclamations about Philip being a (insert adjective similar to "insufferable" here) man! Incorrigible... Arrogant... Presumptuous... Deceitful... Odious... Wicked... Not very original, but there they are. All of them.

So yeah... The story, the characters - no real substance. And it just doesn't feel true enough to the time period it's trying to represent. It's too wordy; too descriptive. I'm restructuring some of the dialogue in my head as I read, trying to think of how it may have actually sounded "back then." And what is a reticule?? Don't throw in random, antiquated names for things in an attempt to make the story sound authentic! I'm pretty sure Jane Austen would have just called it a purse... 

So maybe that's my problem. Maybe all I want is Jane Austen and the like. Maybe all I want are those perfect characters and the authenticity of the eras portrayed in their stories... Like I'd know... But people who profess to love Austen also say they love Edenbrooke. So why can't I stand it?? I'm really not a cynic... I'm a romantic!  I really am.

SO... for those of you who have read this book, please tell me why I should finish it. Or why I really should just throw it at Julianne Donaldson's face. Maybe it gets better... But maybe it gets worse... Should I keep trying to imagine the hero as James McAvoy? Is there better Regency-inspired fiction out there that isn't already written by its contemporaries? 

Or should I just try to enjoy this book for what it is? 

Whatever it is. 

**EDIT: Jane Austen has used the term reticule. I stand corrected. But I still dislike this book.**

Things I Hated About Today

My 20 minute commute turning into an hour long commute, making me (even more) late for work. Thanks, snow! You have to melt sometime and when you do, I'll be there... 

Listening to a particularly whiny customer at work. I finally had to say a quick "okthxbye" before I met her nastiness with more nastiness.

Finding out a not-so-dependable co-worker called in sick. I'm not even surprised anymore.

Our supervisor still being on vacation in Japan.

Looking at popular, cute blogs and thinking, "Yeah, I could probably devote my life to a blog about lifestyle, fashion, and home decor DIYs too if I had a husband with a real job." I bet their kids aren't even that cute in real life... I should really stop reading them, but I won't.

One of my more dependable co-workers announcing she put in her 2 weeks notice. She's starting an internship for dental hygiene school. I fear that soon my department will just be me... 

The same co-worker telling me she's leaving Candle Warmers because she "feels so old and needs to figure out what she's doing with her life." She's 21...

Leaving work early for an eye exam and being so overcome with nausea on the way there that I had to stop 3 different times just to find a suitable place where I could "be sick." McDonald's it is. Sorry, McDonald's.

Missing my eye exam. 

Hitting every single red light between Standard Optical and my eventual sanctuary - HOME. It's not like I was ragingly ill or anything... Or that I was in full-body clench just to keep myself from "being sick" all over my car. Redundant, I know.

Going to Zumba later that evening anyway (WHY??) and regretting it almost instantly. Sorry, tummy. And knees...

My sister's ponytail bouncing directly in front of me during Zumba. Now I'm just exaggerating, right? WRONG. I told her I wanted to cut it off. She laughed, but I was only half kidding...

Wanting to do, see, and accomplish things that TERRIFY me. And knowing ultimately why I will probably never do, see, or accomplish any of them. Some people say, "Boo-hoo, why me??" Well, I know why. 

(Because I'm already in a dark place, let's really think about this...)

Having to just be happy for others when you wish they'd go be happy somewhere else.

Not really knowing what it IS I want, but living in constant fear of being a major disappointment regardless. We all try pretty hard NOT to suck, right?

And the worst thing... People saying they "get" days like today. "Lauren, it's not so bad" or "Lauren, I get it." You don't get it.  You "get" your version of days like today, but not mine.  All the same, thank you for sympathizing.

*        *        *

Today really did test my limits and that's okay. It may sound irrational and selfish, but I don't need to be super enthused by life all the time. Everyday may be a gift, but sometimes you open it up and it's just socks. Or a case of smallpox. But sometimes it's chocolate, or your favorite book, or a ticket to Disneyland, or something you didn't even realize you wanted until you're holding it tight in your fists. 

Yes, sometimes it's good. Or even great. But today wasn't. Even if something did feel right, there was just too much wretched wrong to compensate. Good thing it's just a day.

Thursday, You & I Are No Longer Friends

Derp.

Well, today most certainly presented some challenges. Way too many demands made on my time and patience while at work. It doesn't help that I feel most of these challenges could be avoided. Or that- 

And that is where I stopped typing. Why? Because it seemed my bad day was about to take a turn for the better. The package I was tracking all day through UPS had finally arrived at my doorstep. It was shortly after 7:00 and I was getting worried because I knew UPS didn't deliver late into the evening. But lo, the order status quickly changed from ON VEHICLE FOR DELIVERY TODAY to DELIVERED. My brown paper package tied up with string! My early birthday gift to me! My silver lining for this terrible, no-good day was HERE! I haphazardly threw my laptop from my lap and ran upstairs.

I referenced this purchase in my previous blog post. A Casio WK-200EPA 76-Key Premium Keyboard Package I found the morning of Black Friday via Amazon - a steal at more than 60% off. I remember I ogled the item as it sat in my online shopping cart, debating whether it would be a Christmas gift for my sister and brother-in-law or an early birthday gift for me. The clock was ticking. The offer was only available for so long! So *click* I made my purchase. YEAH! All that and free shipping too! 

Now for its arrival... I haul the box to my room and tear into it, pulling items out and putting them together. No time to read instructions, I just want to play! I set up the stand and plug the little beauty in. Pressing the power button, I wait for the control panel to light up... NOTHING. I press the button again, holding it down a bit longer this time and playing a few keys. NOTHING. Silly keyboard, what are you DOING?? I plug it in another outlet. And then another. I find a different adapter. I read and re-read the instructions: "Plug in keyboard"... CHECK. "Press 'Power'"... CHECK. I wiggle, jiggle, and toggle any switch that looks important. I even have my dad press the power button. One great, big, fat load of NOTHING.

As defeat settles in, I start to cry a little. Then I laugh because ARE YOU EVEN KIDDING ME??? My silver lining! The one thing that was to erase all frustration and grief from this terrible, no-good day! I just felt so bad for myself. So did my Mom. (Thanks, Mom) My suffering was minute, but I couldn't help indulging my self-pity a little. Poor Lauren... Spending an exhausting day imparting stellar customer service to the cranky masses only to find herself on the receiving end of this service hours later. (Did you know that working in customer service makes you a better customer??) 

So I spoke to a very nice Amazon woman (haha) and discovered Amazon had removed the keyboard from their website, stating that "Item is not working. Item has been pulled from website due to product issues." OH. That's helpful. I wrestled everything back into its packaging as best I could and taped it up tight. One return label later, I am now waiting for a full refund (BORING!) instead of my sweet, synthesized set of music-making machinery.

Speaking of silver linings, I'll be in Disneyland in a matter of days... DAYS! Just as well. 

Always, Sometimes, Never

I Always...

Listen to NPR during lunch. I like Talk of the Nation. Today's guest was Dolly Parton.

Chew Original Flavor Trident gum. Nom nom nom.

Order the Vegas Roll when going out for sushi, even if I tell myself I'm going to try something new. My most daring purchase was the Mars Roll. I am not a hardcore sushi-er. My "raw fish" to "everything else" ratio is about 2:10.

Eat a small breakfast at my desk at work. It usually consists of a granola bar, string cheese, yogurt parfait, or a breakfast smoothie from a bottle. Because when it comes to sleeping in 15 more minutes or waking up earlier to eat breakfast, sleep wins every time. Let's not be ridiculous.

Turn purple during Zumba. All the blood rushes to my face once my heart gets pumpin'. The result is like something out of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. 

Shut my bedroom door at night. Otherwise a certain kitty will sneak in and interrupt my sleep, gently pawing my face and insisting I cuddle with her. No, kitty. No.

I Sometimes...

Eat leftover stuffing and pie for breakfast. 

Watch non-Christmas movies during the Holidays simply because they have Christmas scenes. Movies like Little Women, Harry Potter (take your pick), You've Got Mail, Sleepless In Seattle, Hook, While You Were Sleeping, and my personal favorite, Meet Me In St. Louis. I welcome any other non-Christmas recommendations.

Think about chopping off my hair. 

Wish people who were loud, outspoken, and vulgar would stop insisting others need to just put up with how loud, outspoken, and vulgar they are. You know how I put up with these people sometimes? Me neither. The fact that you lack discretion and tact in absolutely every setting is not an admiral quality. You may be good for a larf sometimes, but don't be surprised if you aren't everyone's favorite person to be around ALL the time. "Vulgarity is no substitute for wit." Downton Abbey taught me that.

Wish I were independently wealthy. Oh, all the useless and indulgent things I would do! For myself and for others!

End up buying way too many things for myself while trying to buy Christmas gifts for friends and family. One movie for you, 2 for me. One book for you, one Casio WK-200EPA 76-Key Premium Keyboard Package for me. Darn you, Amazon! (shakes fist) Darn you and your amazing Black Friday Lightning Deals!

Think Pinterest is full of some of the most useless crafts I've ever seen in my life. How many projects can you do using only toilet paper rolls? 

Watch Anastasia... and cry. My favorite non-Disney princess movie. 

Watch trailers for Les Miserables... and cry. I'm sensing a pattern here...

Like certain movies from the Twilight series. The last movie, to be specific. And don't say you never liked Twilight, because I'm pretty sure every girl I know did at some point. Like when it was still only the first book and we didn't know Bella Swan was going to be the most pathetic excuse for a literary heroine ever  ...Team Edward!

Hate Jane Austen's Emma. Then I remember Mr. Knightley. 

I Never...

Feel quite myself around new people. Or even some old people. I'm not even I sure I feel like myself around myself!

Would have guessed Carly Rae Jepsen was 27 years old. I lumped her with the Justin Beiber generation of tween-age girls. Nor would I have guessed she was originally a folk singer! From Canada! 

Like being a 3rd wheel. OR a 4th, 5th, or 6th wheel...

Have enough patience when it comes to my fellow drivers. Especially anyone in a BMW. Is that vehicle profiling?

Tire of hearing Chris Martin singing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." Very merry.

Want to answer the phone at work. You just never know what mean sort of crazy is going to be on the other end. Yes, even in the scented candle industry. People are weird.

Friday Night

This week kicked my butt. Work was a little more chaotic than usual and it didn't help that we were operating at about half capacity in my department. We had lots of worker bees taking time off for final end-of-summer hurrahs. Fun for them, not-so-fun for Lauren and the rest of her co-workers laboring in the trenches. I realized today how much tension I'd been carrying in my neck and shoulders from feverishly slaving away at my computer. I'm all knots and it's no wonder - 5 days permanently hunched over a keyboard awkwardly holding a phone to your face with your shoulder is probably not widely recommended by the chiropractic community. 

In fact, what am I doing here? Hunched over another keyboard?? Oh yes... CATHARSIS.

I also discovered that thanks to aforementioned telephone, my chin and jawbone have broken out something fierce. 3 pimples thus far. I wiped down the receiver once I realized it was the likely source of my break-outs. Ew. Good thing I like my job, huh? That wasn't sarcastic - I do like my job. 

After such a tedious week I decided I wanted some yummy Zupa's for dinner. But when I walked through the doors I found about 30 people waiting in line. I was irritated at first,  but all was not lost. I had a couple other errands to run so I decided we'd come back a little later and see what the line looked like. When I finally did return there were only 7 people in line. Yay! I hate lines.  You could tell the employees were a little frazzled by the Friday evening dinner rush  - their Zupa smiles were very pained. My own attempts at being friendly felt a little forced as well - I was hungry and tired and trying to go unnoticed by some people I knew in High School who had just walked into the restaurant. 

When sandwich and salad were finally assembled, I waited at the register to pay. There was a younger couple ahead of me and an older couple behind. The little blonde cashier struck a nerve when she asked me, "Are you paying separate?" 

All I heard was, "Awww, are you paying alone-all-by-yourself-just-you-and-no-one-else-alone?"

"Yes, I had the salad and sandwich."

Then she asked, "Would you like a brownie or some cheesecake this evening?" 

She must have asked this question at least 357 times that night. She's probably contractually obligated to do so by Zupa himself. Still, all I heard was, "You look like the kind of girl who likes brownies and cheesecake... Maybe you better take a couple pieces home with you. Y'know... since you're here alone on a Friday night and all."

"No, not tonight. Please shut up." (I didn't say 'please shut up.')

Pay. Grab bag. Door. 

And you want to know the worst part?

"How could it get any worse, Lauren?"

I ordered a Turkey Bacon Avocado Sandwich with Honey Mustard... And they smothered it in pesto sauce instead. I hate pesto sauce.