Dear...

Dear Old Navy...

If I buy your Sweetheart blue jeans in one size, I expect that same size to fit just as well in the black Sweetheart jeans. So stop it.

Dear Captain America...

Your new movie comes out in one week! I don’t know how it happened, but you are my favorite Avenger. (How did I come to have a favorite Avenger in the first place?) Maybe it’s because you’re from a bygone generation. Maybe I'm inspired by your humble beginnings – your father wasn’t a wealthy entrepreneur or a Norse God. Or maybe I’m more patriotic than I realize. If I’m honest, it’s likely because you’re played by Chris Evans. But whatever.

Dear Zumba...

If I didn’t have to share you with dozens of other sweaty women, I might attend more regularly. Isn’t there some sort of safety code we’re violating with this many people shoved in one dance room? Zumba’s hard enough without worrying about stepping on little old ladies every time I mambo or cha-cha. Oh, and more hip hop please!

Dear Boo...

You are so endearingly pathetic in your clear little Cone of Shame. It’s even more pathetic when you try to lick yourself through the plastic. If we didn’t think you’d gnaw off your leg, we’d remove it. Just embrace the cone for now. It serves a purpose beyond making us giggle whenever you saunter sadly into a room.

Dear Thursday...

Why-oh-why did you feel like a Friday?

Dear Malaysian Flight 370...

Okay, so what really happened to you? Because I don't believe anything I hear on the news anymore... The thought of crashing into the ocean is terrifying enough, but for a plane and its 239 passengers to just disappear completely? For weeks?? Anything they tell us now just sounds like a massive coverup. A debris field discovered off the coast of Australia? Satellite signals? Sonar imaging of the ocean floor? We'll see...

Dear Chris Martin (of Coldplay)...

Sorry about your recent "conscious uncoupling" from Gwyneth Paltrow. I read all about it (several times... in different articles...) on Yahoo. You should channel all that post break-up emotion into some melancholy new music. I would buy that album...

Dear Vacation Time...

Let's think of some fun ways I can use you up. We're nearing 8 months without a vacation... I don't need to go far... Just far enough.

Dear High School Reunion...

To go, or not to go? That is the question. I'm definitely leaning one way more than the other. Care to guess?

Dear Facebook Quizzes...

Thank you for validating my life in one of the most superficial ways possible. Based on the quizzes I've taken thus far, I work as a designer and live in London with my roommate and bestie Amy Poehler. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is my boyfriend, of course, but if I were single it would only be because I'm too attractive. The downside? I'm Lady Edith. 

Sincerely...

Lady Edith

Special Bulletin

Why is it that when you're all alone, whether at home or elsewhere, your hearing suddenly becomes superhuman? Yesterday after work I gathered all my supplies and drove up to our ward building to finally put up the new bulletin board. When I arrived, the sun was still out so I didn't feel nervous about being there all alone. Large empty buildings in daylight are not as menacing as large empty buildings after dark. Buildings like libraries, museums, and churches. Still, I tried not to think about it.

The ward itself was full of noises - the furnace firing up and blowing warm air through the rooms, doors rattling in their frames, little snap-crackle-pops of untrodden floorboards, and the buzz of fluorescent lighting. There was even a flurry of children's voices, but I'm pretty sure these were outdoors. No less creepy, though. Especially when your imagination torments you like mine does. 

I'm glad this didn't occur to me at the time, but our ward has an elevator that leads from the basement where I was working up to the main level. Can you imagine sitting alone in a church basement after dark and hearing the DING!! of elevator doors opening?? Like I said, my imagination is a bully. And the darker it got outside, the more noticeable all these noises were inside. My senses were heightened to the point where I was probably inventing some of them.

When I left 2 1/2 hours later I had to turn off the lights. Whoever designed the building 60 years ago didn't think to put the light switches near an exit. I would have to switch them off and then run through darkened corridors to reach the nearest exit. I switched the lights off once to get a sense of how dark it would be, but turned them right back on. Too dark! Off again. On again. OFF. ON. Okay, off again... And RUN!!

Here is a picture of the finished product... Because this post is already too long. 

Tepid

My brother, the Hot Water Bandit, robbed our family of all the hot water this morning. By the time I turned on my shower and waited for the water to heat sufficiently, there was nothing left but borderline lukewarm. I hopped in and promptly hopped right back out. Hot showers get me out of bed in the morning, cold showers usually send me right back. But I rallied and committed to a military shower – rinse, shut off water, lather up, rinse, repeat. I think I used about 2 tablespoons of water total. Not including my bitter tears.

The Good, The Bad, & The Mildly Grotesque

Good... The Coworker is moving from full-time Customer Service to part-time Accounting and the company has hired her replacement. Today was the new girl's first day and she seems relatively healthy and normal. I could weep.

Bad... The Coworker is responsible for training the new hire for the next couple weeks. She's teaching her the ins and outs of our department while also giving her a comprehensive personal history. It's like playing a getting-to-know-you-game where nobody asks any questions and only one person keeps volunteering unsolicited details about their life. Details the rest of us have all heard numerous times. I could weep. Instead, I kept making trips to the Peanut M&M dispenser in the break room. Or as I like to call them, chocolatey mood-stabilizers. 

Good... After a lot of angst-y indecision and poorly executed ideas, I finally finished a bulletin board display for my Singles' Ward. 

Bad... It was raining too hard this evening for me to pack everything up and take it to the ward building. I thought assembling at home would be easier... And less scary than a dark empty church building on a stormy night. Heebie jeebies.

Good... I finished Bossypants by Tina Fey. Someone recommended listening to it on audiobook, but it seemed unnecessary considering her voice comes through her writing pretty distinctly. Tina Fey is now the voice in my head, actually. If you're looking for an excuse to sit in your car on your lunch break so you can read without frightening your co-workers with random bursts of laughter, try this book out. 

Bad... The book was pretty irreverent, but never enough to make me stop reading. I was enjoying it too much. Also, it validated my own insecurities as a horrible human being with a gross dependence on sarcasm and chocolate (see above). That wasn't an apology... I would read this book again... And probably will.

Good... Rain, rain, and MORE rain!! 

Bad... Rain, rain, and SNOW??

Good... I was released from my calling as Ward Choir Director after almost 2 1/2 years. I was afraid I'd age out of the ward before they set me free. I was even considering marriage as a means of escape, but my options were far too numerous. 

Bad... They called my sister to replace me. So while I'm free of the responsibility, I'm still expected to attend choir every week... On pain of death. But I love singing with the ward members without the added pressure of inspiring them to join the choir. And taking it personally when they don't show.

Good... I found and purchased a beautiful song I heard in a terribly sad movie I watched last week. It's called "Red Oak Tree" by James Vincent McMorrow.

Bad... Because I associate the song so closely with this movie, I'm afraid to listen to it. It's just sitting on a playlist somewhere, waiting for me to have a listen and cry non-fictional tears over fictional characters. Too soon.

Good... Last Friday I cleaned and semi-refinished a music cabinet that used to belong to my grandparents. 

Bad... I'm too young to spend my Friday evenings restoring antique furniture. Here's to more exciting adventures this weekend! Or at least more sleep.

Nowhere to hide...

Just when I thought Let It Go had finally released my Facebook feed from its icy clutches, another video started making the rounds, this time featuring Jimmy Fallon (Blast his impish charm!), The Roots, and Idina Menzel herself. When you do come across the video (it's inevitable), don't scoff and roll your eyes as I did. You'll like it. And you might even play it multiple times... And sing along... badly...

P.S. If you're looking for the link, that's too bad. By now I've learned one doesn't simply find this song, it finds YOU. Just wait. 

P.P.S. Ana had some cute songs, why don't we start making covers of those? "Hang in there, Joan..."

Live from the Red Carpet!

I watched the Oscars last night with my family. I wasn't really invested, having only seen one movie that was up for anything major, but it's always fun/awkward to watch famous and/or beautiful people accept awards in a room full of equally famous and/or beautiful people. Dressed in their Sunday best, no less - though people's interpretation of "best" definitely varied.

You may assume the lone movie I saw (along with everyone else) was Gravity. It was not. NO. Gravity was definitely winning just about everything, but I was "defying gravity," if you'll excuse the pun. Hi, remember me? I hate flying?? The movie I saw was Frozen. You know, the one with Adele Dazim... I mean, Idina Menzel... Poor John Travolta. And wouldn't ya know? Frozen won best animated feature. AND best original song. Which made me feel like I had at least one horse in this race, even though both wins didn't surprise anyone. 

My experience watching the Academy Awards is something akin to watching the Olympics - it fills me with an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. Nothing too damaging, just enough to make me wish I wasn't clad in sweats while eating cheesecake in my parent's basement, trying to ignore my family as they argue over how much they either like or dislike Amy Adams. 

The show lasted 3 1/2 hours... Many beautiful and heartfelt speeches were made. Bette Midler sang "Wind Beneath My Wings" and did just fine in my opinion. P!nk sang "Over the Rainbow" and made my mother cry. Pharrell took off that stupid mountie hat for once. And Benedict Cumberbatch, though he wasn't personally nominated for anything, starred in 4 different movies that were up for awards in various categories - 12 Years A Slave, August: Osage County, The Desolation of Smaug, and Star Trek: Into Darkness. Oh, and then there's the U2 photobomb below... All of which earns him an honorable (or Oscar-able) mention... on this blog.

So proud.