Room's still a shambles. I have 2 1/2 seasons of Gilmore Girls left, 6 samples of paint, 23 boxes of laminate, and 1 1/2 walls left to patch up and sand down. And school has started once again. Who knows how long I will live like a first world refugee in my parents' basement?
With school starting, I've had to overcome a few inevitable flare-ups of anxiety and insecurity - Why am I here? Should I be doing something else?? I already have a degree! I've taken only a couple classes during each of my semesters at SLCC so far, mostly because working full time doesn't give me many options. Especially if I want to excel in each class, which I really do. So while the work for this degree is happening slowly, at least it's good work.
One thing I've had to separate in my mind - and it really sounds so stupid, but this is the level of insecurity we're dealing with - is embodying the image of an artist vs. working as an artist. As if looking the part suddenly means more than the work itself. When the semester started, I realized there were some pretty hip folks in my classes that seemed to fit a certain aesthetic we associate with artists and designers. (I've seen enough movies and read enough cool design blogs to know what they look like.) I saw them and worried that perhaps trendy outfits, large frame glasses, body piercings, and/or a few tattoos gave them an advantage. Because they looked... artsy. See? Stupid.
We're now 4 weeks into the semester and I'm starting to feel more certain of myself and my classes. I've realized that one advantage of pursuing an education in visual arts is that, whether you look like an "artist" or not, your work is what's important. And it doesn't require the type of performance that puts you directly in the spotlight. I can work quietly and anonymously at home or in a classroom setting without the physical act of creating being under scrutiny. My instructors are the only ones who occasionally step in to offer guidance or feedback. And suddenly there is this thing that I've created, and while the thing itself represents me, it is still not me... It's external. If that makes sense...
In both classes - one is Typography & Layout, the other is Foundation Drawing 1 - we have class critiques for each of our projects, but it's generally a positive experience. Like myself, my fellow classmates are all so involved with their own pieces that there's little time for worrying about how well others are doing. Instead, we feel mutual appreciation for each other's talents, especially as we consider the level of difficulty required for each project. It's an encouraging atmosphere and ultimately, our completed projects speak for themselves, whether they speak well or not.
Hopefully mine speak well. Even if I don't necessarily look the part.
Through all the world there goes one long cry from the heart of the artist:
Give me leave to do my utmost! – "Babette's Feast", Karen Blixen
