The Shake-Up

I can't wait for September. August has brought some unexpected changes, a few of which I'm not handling so well. I don't mind shaking things up every so often, just as long as I'm not too shaken up in the process. This recent shake-up involves a new school year, a new job, and more than likely a new living situation. All of these "news" will precipitate newer news, but one day at time please. Sigh...

Let's talk about the new job. A few weeks ago I was approached by a former supervisor who actually hired me at Candle Warmers Etc. back in 2012. The company he now works for had a position opening up and knowing how limited my options were at my current job, he reached out to see if I was interested. I wasn't so sure, but was finally persuaded to at least submit my resume. One week and two interviews later, I was offered the job. Starting next Thursday I'll be working for Rainey Homes in Bountiful. The job itself will eventually develop into a kind of office manager position with a smattering of marketing and social media responsibilities - all of which sounds pretty random, but I like wearing lots of hats. And it's a bit more relevant to the field I'm pursuing with my graphic design degree. 

There's still some lingering uncertainty and I think there will be for a while, but here's what I do know: ANSWERING PHONES ALL DAY AS A CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE WAS LEAVING ME DEAD INSIDE. Candle Warmers is a wonderful company and I'm sad to leave my work family there behond, but after considering my options I decided it was time to move on. I don't know if Rainey Homes is the final answer to the question of my life's work (uh, probably not), but it's an opportunity for a change I've needed for a while now. So here goes nothin'... Or rather, somethin'.

Farewell, Spring

Well, the semester officially ended last week and I have now entered a season of mild mourning. Really?? Really... Well, kinda. This was a pretty transformative semester for me academically and I was sorry to see it end. But summer semester starts next week so we'll dry our eyes (dab, dab) and try not to lose momentum.

One memorable experience that I've been teasing you with for the last few entries is the Student Art Showcase. I will share briefly and then never speak of it again - promise!

...as documented on my phone.

Center of Arts & Media

As I mentioned in a previous post, two of my pieces were accepted into the show. Which was good news. Then on the day of the open house I received an email saying “Congrats! If you’re receiving this email, you’ve won an award in the 2015 SLCC Student Art Showcase.” Which was better-late-than-never news. I notified all interested parties (namely the parents and my grandmother) and rushed home from work to get ready. I was a messy jumble of excitement, nerves, and mild irritation - this girl does not like feeling rushed.

250 pieces were featured in the show and roughly 25 awards were handed out including honorable mentions, awards of merit, awards of excellence, etc. I couldn't help but envy some of the pieces I saw, but I was also feeling pretty okay with my own work. Wasn't I? Yes, I was... I think... 

Honest Abe secured me an honorable mention and a gift card to Blick Art Supply - not too shabby for my first show. He remained on display at the college until I finally had to pick him up last Friday and bring him home. He's now waiting for a more permanent home somewhere on my bedroom wall - a wall that I haven't had the courage to pound any nails into since finishing my bedroom remodel. Another post for another day...

In the Eccles Gallery...

Pretty sure I overdressed for the occasion. 
One day I WILL be hip enough for the art scene, I swear.

So, there you have it. Not one more mention of the showcase from this day forward. Not unless I enter next year's show and have anything worth posting. 

A Follow-Up

Now that the semester is officially over, I decided this evening I would start doing all the things I'd put off for the last couple weeks. Things like laundry, decorating for the holidays, and giving an entire movie my undivided attention. The Shop Around the Corner was starting when I arrived home from work so I sat right down and watched the whole thing. I like this side of December much more than the last couple weeks.

One bright spot amidst the dark darkness of finals was my birthday. I took the day off and gave myself time to finish up the last of my projects for the semester. Katie took me to Costa Vida for lunch, Alisa stopped by the house on her way home from work with a bunch of yellow tulips and some chocolate just for me, then the folks took me to La Cocina that evening for dinner. But the brightest spot of all? I received an email that afternoon from my instructor (THAT instructor), notifying our class that the final grades had been posted. She mentioned, once again, that she takes attendance very seriously and would not be making allowances in her advanced classes if we had excessive tardies or absences. Fine. I wasn't thinking that far ahead - I just wanted to see what my grade was. 

I opened my student profile and slowly scrolled down the page with one eye closed. As long as I didn't know my grade, there was still a chance I passed. But once I knew, that was it... ACK!

So... I passed. And what's more, I somehow stayed above a B. I almost cried - my terrible punctuality had not totally compromised my overall grade. Earlier in the semester I posted that one thing I enjoyed about pursuing this degree was that your work speaks for itself. This class made me work harder than any other I've ever taken and my final grade was a welcome acknowledgment of the many hours and lost weekends I'd put in. Still, my list of New Year's resolutions for 2015 should probably include overcoming my tardy tendencies. 

You Would Cry Too If It Happened To You

Have you time for a rant? Too bad. It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm playing the it's-my-party-and-I'll-cry-if-I-want-to card NOW.

I'm currently driven to distraction by the fact that I might not pass a class in which my instructor said my work was beyond that of even some of her advanced students. She did. She also asked if she could keep some of my work to show her future classes. Which I agreed to. She even thanked me once for knowing who Ladybird Johnson was. 

Surprisingly, I still love this teacher and her class. I show up, contribute to the lectures, and work on projects during appointed class time, even when most other students leave as soon as the lecture's over. My last project took me well over 20 hours to complete and now all that hard work might end up in the pooper due to an attendance policy that was not communicated in the class syllabus. The entire class felt sucker-punched when she announced the news about HOW our tardies and/or absences would affect our grades. Right now I have an A or better, but that could all change. "Don't worry - some of my best students have had to retake this course."

Uhhh... What about my assignments? What about all my work in class? WHAT ABOUT LADYBIRD JOHNSON??

We'll know on Friday when the final grades are posted... I've never prayed for a C in all my life. If those handful of tardy-but-only-by-a-few-minutes make the difference between passing and not passing or if the pothead that sat next to me who was ALWAYS on time but basically just occupied a chair before falling asleep - if he gets a passing grade and I don't, I will have no choice but to... but to... but to... 

Retake the class? Oh, please... Gimme that C!

You're how old??

Here I am on the other side of my first semester at SLCC and I'm expelling one long sigh of relief...

...

There. Done sighing. Wanna know how I survived these past couple weeks? Probably not. So we won't dwell on the unpleasantness. Let us just say I was once again reminded of how much fun it is to celebrate your birthday the same week you're preparing for finals.

My birthday...

I'm now 28 years old. But apparently I don't pass for 28. I was reminded of this a few times this week, once at work and a couple times at school. Everyone usually thinks I'm younger because... Well, I don't know... Is it my long hair? My affinity for colorful clothing? My rosy complexion? The fact I'm back in school with a younger crowd who just assume I'm roughly their same age? Or even younger?? Tonight I found out a younger classmate of mine is married to a guy who grew up in my stake. She asked if I knew his brother because she thought we were "probably about the same age." I did a little research and discovered this brother graduated high school in 2011 and is currently serving a mission. So no, I don't know this brother. 

It kinda bothered me. It wasn't just the implication I was younger, but the fact she treated me like I was. I'm sure no offense was intended, but I was a little irritated. It's just an issue of insecurity - I do worry about those things I've yet to accomplish in my 28 years. But I also want credit for those years! Don't underestimate me... I'm an adult, right? I've earned a degree. I'm pursuing a second while working full time. I'm here to prepare myself for my career, not a hobby. You worry about where you'll be at 28? I'm already there and I still worry. So much that I'm now considering a monochromatic wardrobe and above-the-shoulder haircut to give myself a more mature edge over the 19-22 year olds in my class.

There's actually a good mix of ages at SLCC. No need for me to be overly sensitive. When I'm 35 (ugh), I probably won't mind it if people think I seem a lot younger. But for now I don't want to be treated like a child by someone who was probably still in diapers while I was studying geometry and crushing on boy bands. 

... What was that about not dwelling on unpleasantness? 

On a high note... I had my yearly review at work and was heaped with praise regarding my performance during 2013. They had this girl blushing by the end of the evaluation. I'm very blessed to work for this company. It's been a positive experience overall and it's nice to know my efforts are appreciated. Now if only I could be more punctual... But we'll save that for the New Year's resolutions.

What's been goin' on?

Lately...

I enjoyed a nice road trip with the family for my mom’s birthday. That’s all I’ll say for now because I'm still sorting through pictures. Then you will be visually and verbally treated to the many adventures of the Waters family. Aren't you lucky??

I have back to school burnout. I’m feeling slightly tired and overwhelmed and like I want my free evenings back so I can go to Zumba. But I’ll live.

I endured the overblown sleaze-fest of the VMA’s to watch ‘NSYNC reunite onstage… for about 23 seconds. If you’re going to all that trouble of reuniting the band then at least have them perform an entire song! Also, I don’t think I’ll be taking fashion advice from anyone in the music industry any time soon. Gross.

Speaking of the VMA’s, I’m really sick of hearing about Miley Cyrus. The last thing this girl needs is more publicity. From this day forward, this blog will be a Miley-free zone! …As it was before I wrote this entry.

Right now I’m reading the second Austenland book, Midnight in Austenland. I’m enjoying it more than the first, which isn’t too shabby since I really liked the first book. Now to see the movie!

I purchased my first ever Macbook and am almost too scared to use it. It's a very sophisticated piece of equipment and I'm all thumbs. Help.

Back to School

So… SCHOOL. This semester I’m only taking 2 evening classes through SLCC, both of them design-related. I'm still torn between the Illustration and Graphic Design programs so I’m starting by taking classes that apply to both. There’s a lot of overlapping and hopefully I’ll find my niche. It’s one of those things I knew if I never tried I would always wonder... So yes, after 2 ½ years of thinking about school and talking about school (a lot), I’m finally going back. So wish me luck! Go Bruins!

Five Simple Rules

I re-pinned (a word that wasn't even part of my vocabulary 2 years ago) this from a friend on Pinterest. Unfortunately life is never as easy as "5 Simple Rules," but as principles for happiness I definitely see their merit.  

I believe everyone is entitled to happiness, but not as a result of getting everything they want. That would mean I attach happiness only to certain conditions - the right job, the right body, the right spouse, the right family... I deserve it all, don't I? As I'm learning, our happiness shouldn't be about what we feel we deserve or what we wish we deserved; sometimes it’s about what actually happens in spite of our best efforts. That’s reality. Don’t say it’s not fair. Maybe it’s not. But life rarely is for most people. And still, life can be fulfilling and joyful and good and all those things I'm trying to remind myself of these days. 

I'm trying to concentrate more on what's within my control. And even if I can't control everything in my little world at any given moment, at least I can control what I do with it. Action over reaction. 

Maybe I'll start with this list. 

The Rundown

In honor of this rainy Sunday morning, I would like to share a piece of British slang with you from Knickers in a Twist... 

Pull a sickie: Pretend to be unwell in order to absent yourself from work. 

I would like to 'pull a sickie' from church today, but have committed myself to a ward choir rehearsal in preparation for next week's Ward Conference. Hopefully we'll get a decent turnout despite it being Fast Sunday. I think I'd rather sing than sit at home with my tummy moaning hungrily, so hopefully everyone else feels the same way. 

Did you know there is a musical adaptation of Roald Dahl's Matilda? I didn't know either. Not until I saw this sweet song posted in another blog. The show is coming to Broadway this spring and I think I would really love to see it. The Trunchbull has a song called "The Hammer." I can only imagine...

Here's the rundown for the rest of my week...

Hours watched of the Oscars: ALL of them.

Pounds lost: 3 (total of 17 thus far)

Hours exercised: 4 1/2

Round-trip flights to Missouri booked: 1

Episodes of Doctor Who watched: 3

Songs downloaded from Amazon: 8

Days eating out: 1... Ichiban Sushi and it was worth it!

Pieces of German Chocolate Cake consumed: 3, but not all in one sitting.

I feel like I've blogged this before, but it might be worth hashing it out again...

After a conversation with my sister, I've decided I'm really good at exercise. If you stick me on an elliptical or in a Zumba class with some good music, I have no problem knocking out an hour's worth of activity. BAM. Oh, and you want me to follow it up with some strength training? Done. But all that exercise and weight-lifting won't save my bacon (mmmm... bacon) if my diet stinks, which it does. Or did. I'm not overhauling anything, but things are getting MUCH better. 

Sometimes it's easy to justify garbage-eating if I feel like I've burned enough calories during a workout. This is a LIE and a surefire way to sabotage my efforts in the gym. Instead of relying on the junk that seems so convenient (and delicious!), I'm planning ahead and not using exercise as an excuse to slack off elsewhere. NO LIE - There were some nights after Zumba where my sisters and I would leave the rec center and drive straight to Wendy's on our way home to indulge in a tasty sampling from their dollar menu. How backward is that?? Pretty backward, Lauren.

So there you have it - I'm already good at exercise and trying to improve my overall diet. Consider yourself enlightened. 

Now, for the most random thought of this blog post...

No, really. It's very random...

Kristen Stewart (told you!) doesn't have a reputation for being one of Hollywood's most charming, charismatic, or even very pleasant-looking actresses. Basically this unfortunate gal gets a lot of flack for being an emotionless shrew. And there are probably hundreds of internet memes out there backing this up, especially in the wake of her less-than-enthusiastic appearance at the Oscars. But I read the following in an article and thought to myself, "Yeah, she has a point..."

She stands out on the red carpet because she does not smile broadly or pose; she usually looks slightly uncomfortable. Of her red-carpet experience, Stewart said: 

People say that I’m miserable all the time. It’s not that I’m miserable, it’s just that somebody’s yelling at me…I literally, sometimes, have to keep myself from crying. It’s a physical reaction to the energy that’s thrown at you.

There is an expectation of women in general and famous woman in particular to always assure the onlooker that they are happy to be looked upon through smiling, and Stewart rejects this.

Women are expected to be nice and sweet, to make other people feel comfortable... Women have an obligation to look and act a certain way and when they don’t, they need to be hassled until they do.

Kristen Stewart is NOT one of my personal favorites and this isn't a commentary on her acting skills. But if I appeared in one of the most loved/most hated movie series of all time (depending on whom you ask) and was constantly harangued by people shoving camera lenses in my face demanding I grin and pose and strut, I think I'd be a little wary too. So what if her eyes don't sparkle like a Disney princess? Her profession isn't affable and engaging red carpet walker. If she seems awkward and uncomfortable in the limelight, then maybe she is. And I understand awkward and uncomfortable - If you put me on a red carpet in front of all those people, you would find me hiding under it within a matter of SECONDS. I would just be this red lump that other celebrities keep tripping over. 

So you just keep not smiling, Kristen. Or half-smiling. Or if you want to smile, then go right ahead! But if not, no pressure. Whatever.

Lately Lauren...

So... January is over! (Yeah... try last weekend.) That's 31+ days down and about 330 to go. Studies (I don't know which ones) show it takes about 20 days of doing an activity before it becomes a habit. After almost 40 days I have some new habits and some almost habits under my belt. Still working toward a few others, but don't worry - they're all good habits. Except for the one where I start off my blog posts by tooting my own horn - "Guys, I am sooooooo good at making good habits. Good habit-making should be its own good habit habit!" I will now cease tooting and get down to business...

Lately Lauren Likes...

...Carpooling to work with 2 other people. That means less money spent on gas and eating out for lunch (I can't just hop in my car whenever I want now...), not to mention less car exhaust being spewed into the air. Not that it's helped much. 

...Wallander. Kenneth Branaugh plays gloomy Swedish detective Kurt Wallander. Tom Hiddleston also stars, playing Wallander's young colleague Magnus Martinsson. Which brings me to my next item... 

...Tom Hiddleston. Oh, he's been here before...

...Things we love about Tom: just about everything. I realize his many admirable characteristics are probably only part of a well-crafted public image - he is an actor after all - but I've officially bought into the fantasy. And sometimes the fantasy will just have to do!  

...Finally chatting with the BFF who currently resides in another state. 

...The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. GAH! I'm still a little tender... It was a wonderful read and it broke my heart, but in a good way. I even added a couple more literary characters from its pages to my list of all-time favorites. 

...Warm Bodies... Aside from the blood, gore, and consumption of brain matter, this movie was so stinkin' sweet. Sweet as in "awwwwww." And not just for a Zombie movie. Or a zom-rom-com. I loved it. 

...Hires Big H... Haven't eaten here since my days at the U. After my first bite, I couldn't think of a good reason why. 

...Spinal Tap... With commentary. 

...Watching re-runs of Sabrina the Teenage Witch on Hulu. My new favorite time-wasting activity while nursing a post-split hamstring injury. I'm still limping a little, BTW. 

...Losing 13 lbs. since the Holidays. TOOT TOOT! There I go again. TOOT TOOT! 

...This new song and dance for my Zumba class. Though we're not quite as intense as the guy in the video. Because YIKES. 

...This book my Grandma bought me for my birthday...

Every month for the last year we've met up with my Dad's side of the family to celebrate birthdays for that particular month. Our Grandma gets each family member a gag gift - usually something related to the individual's interests. We did December and January a few weeks ago and when my Grandma presented my gift she said, "Lauren can't wait to go back to London someday so I got her something she can read for her next visit." Knickers In A Twist: A Dictionary of British Slang. The book is bawdy and hilarious. I will definitely share some of its more amusing (and appropriate) slang terms. Things like...

Hacked off : Annoyed... As in "I was really hacked off at my sister." 

I haven't read the whole thing yet, but I will say this - the British are strange. And a little bit perverted... (snickers)

Lately Lauren Loathes...

I've decided not to do a Loathe List this time around because my last couple entries have been pretty whiny - I don't complain ALL the time, I promise. So as for those things I've been "hacked off" at lately (see what I did there?), we'll save them for another day!

Turn Yourselves, and Live Ye

I've been plodding through the Old Testament for what seems like forever. Only because my scripture reading is so sporadic and unpredictable. I dabble in the BoM, then I get back into the Bible for awhile, and now in Sunday School we're studying the D&C. ANYWAY... The Old Testament is really pretty bleak, but I have come across some gems. Yesterday I read the following verses in Ezekiel:

Cast away from you all your transgressions, whereby ye have transgressed; and make you a new heart and a new spirit:  for why will ye die, O house of Israel? 

For I have no pleasure in the death of him that dieth, saith the Lord God: wherefore turn yourselves, and live ye. 

Ezekiel 18 : 31 - 32

Talk about some nice timing there, OT. I read that and thought of the goals I've made for the new year. I'm hoping to turn myself in so many better directions and feel my resolve has held fast during these first couple weeks of 2013. (Knocks wood, crosses fingers)

Anyway, those are just my thoughts on this bright, cold Sunday morning. 

Like A Bridge Over Troubled "Waters"

Look out. Here comes Philosophical Lauren...

A favourite bridge. The Brooklyn Bridge.

I'm not the kind of person who likes burning bridges. Metaphorically speaking. I've built many bridges over the years and if you ever told me I did something to horribly offend anyone on the opposite side of these bridges, I would be mortified. Even if I told you I didn't give a hoot about maintaining certain friendships or seeking others' approval, I still kinda would give a hoot. A BIG hoot. I value my relationships, as varied as they are, and I realize a fair few may require a lot more work than others. Any bridge will take time to construct and, ideally, you're never building alone. Conflict and confrontation? I don't like them. I'm much too passive-aggressive a person to ever articulate exactly what's on my mind, though I sure can beat my way around a bush. Mmm-hmmm. Maybe this is why some of my very best friends are those who can so easily read my moods, either backing off or calling my bluff when needed. I'm not so sure my immature-ish passive-aggression is much healthier than being confrontational and outspoken, but it's what I'm comfortable with. And it prevents a lot of bridges from going up in smoke.  

SO... do I believe I've burnt many bridges over the years? No. Most of my bridges are intact.

But the condition in which I find them is not always ideal.

Some bridges have fallen into serious disrepair due to neglect. I can't bring myself to cross them for fear of falling through their rotting beams. Some are completely forgotten or barely recognizable - like small, stone footbridges overgrown with weeds and other wild things, morphing into part of the surrounding landscape. Some bridges span great canyons with deep ravines, others straddle shallow streams. Some require a toll and the price just seems too high to pay. Other times I sit idly waiting for someone to cross over and join me on my side. There is even a scary bridge or two with a troll living underneath... You know, the kind of troll that will gobble up anyone who passes by. Oh boy, where has this metaphor gone... ?

Then again, some bridges may be just fine - still strong as ever and well tended by those on the other side who kindly ask me to join them. What keeps me from crossing these bridges? Maybe not knowing what I'll find once I've crossed. Or feeling I've changed too much or not enough to revisit them. I'm sure by now you see what I mean... 

While I'm not dousing any of these bridges in lighter fluid and striking a match, my more dismissive attitude is no less damaging. I've been thinking a lot about my different relationships - friends and family I've not seen in far too long and missed terribly. Potential friendships I've let go of. Resentment I've let creep in and prevent me from making certain relationships stronger. If you find yourself on the other side of a bridge I have neglected, I'm sorry. Repairs are needed and I hope to make them.

But for now, this metaphor is getting rather tired. And so am I! 

Woe-lympics...

The Olympics. Every time I watch I can't help but feel...

SERIOUSLY. Is it too late to begin my career as an Olympic athlete? Is watching Netflix in your basement an Olympic event yet? Because I'm pretty sure I could medal in that... Maybe bronze...

Just a few things...

I went to the store last evening and had my eye on some Easter candy, specifically a large bag of mini Snickers. They were on sale. My sister sneakily put them on the counter but I said  "Nay!" before the cashier could scan them. Willpower. On Friday I bought a Butterfinger - because you never know when you'll be hit by a Butterfinger craving. Then I didn't even eat that Butterfinger until Sunday afternoon. Some willpower. Last week I went up to Wendy's for a small frosty and left with a MEDIUM frosty and a kids meal. No willpower. But we are seeing improvement.

My arches have been giving me some trouble lately. Imagine having a charlie horse. Now imagine having a charlie horse in your foot. Yow. I have high arches and the workout shoes I wear have very little arch support, causing the following...

The sensation of sore, aching feet or arch pain refers to an inflammation and burning sensation at the arch of the foot. This inflammation is due to the excessive stretching of the fibrous tissue located along the bottom surface of the foot, called plantar fascia.

Plantar fascitis is the term named after this condition and described as inflammation of the fascia, muscles and ligaments on the bottom of the foot, causing pain in the heel and arch of the foot. (via eHow Health)

So I consulted Dr. Scholl's and bought a pair of arch support gel insoles. They've been helping a bit - I now have very little pain in my left foot. But that darn right foot... Always causing problems. Will Lauren ever dance again???

Did you know we had Conference this last weekend? Because I had basically forgotten until the night before. That doesn't usually happen. Usually I will have prepared myself a little beforehand. So I woke up early Saturday morning for the Zumba and by the time I came home I was inordinately grouchy. Shocking... I was not in the Conferencing mood and was less than enthusiastic when 10:00 rolled around. Feeling quite contrary, I stubbornly planted myself in front of the TV in my basement and didn't move until the first session was over. As the meeting began I remember thinking, "Okay, okay... I got this." Surprisingly (or not so surprisingly), I enjoyed each session and felt really inspired by many talks. Specifically those given by Elders Holland and Perry, Pres. Eyring, Pres. Uchtdorf (always... always, always), and Pres. Monson. They spoke with a frankness that was somewhat refreshing to me, but there was still sincere love in their voices. Their talks made such an impression they may as well have put their hands on my shoulders, looked me square in the eye, and addressed me directly. I could feel a spiritual elbowing of the ribs. There's something to learn from everyone during Conference, but not every talk, every hymn, every prayer has to be a home-run. That said, I think (for me) this Conference certainly rounded a lot of bases.

Friday night I got my hairs cut. I was fed up with the shabby state of my too-long hair, so I walked into a Super Cuts and declared my immediate need for a trim. Bye-bye 5 inches of Lauren's hair. Why cut so much? I kept seeing a lot of cute medium/past-the-shoulder length hairstyles and decided I wanted a little past-the-shoulder action myself. Now re-read that last sentence without the innuendo. Creeper. The stylist shampooed, trimmed, layered, and dried my hair in record time and I was very happy with the result. Here's a question: Why does it feel so good when someone else shampoos your hair?

And now, the last thing...

Lauren's big reveal at the beauty salon!

Flirty Girl

Last night's Zumba class was replaced by something called Flirty Girl Fitness. Sounds cheesy, huh? All I know is one day later my legs and butt are killing me. I arrived for Zumba on Monday and there was this new girl in pink shouting dance moves into a headset over something with a really heavy bass. "Who does she think she is?" The music playing wasn't like our Zumba tunes. It was like Britney Spears and Avril Lavigne. And... it was a lot of fun. (She mumbled shamefully.) I guess the gym was trying out Flirty Girl for an evening to see if anyone was interested. We evaluated the instructor afterwards and I gave her pretty high marks. She  was very enthusiastic and the workout was definitely challenging. We were all asked to specify in our evaluations if we'd like to reserve Monday nights for Flirty Girl instead of Zumba. Why not? Variety is nice. And doing moves like the Janet, the Mean Girl, the Madonna, the Britney, and the Diva is always fun. But really, my butt is so incredibly sore. Crawling upstairs on all fours sore. 

I looked up Flirty Girl when I got home and discovered they also incorporate pole and chair dancing in their routines. Uhhhhh... Obviously if either of those had been part of our class on Monday I would have found myself a nice elliptical somewhere in the exercise room. No thank you very much. Dancing around is embarrassing enough without throwing poles and chairs in the mix. So as long as the dancing is reserved for the dance floor, I'm happy. Because the only way I'll go near a pole is if I decide to pursue a non-existent dream of being a fireman.

Masks and My Genuine Self

Human beings are inbred with an array of irritating qualities. (Wow, Lauren, that’s a promising way to start a new blog post... Keep reading.) But it's just part of our humanity – we’re all so complex and flawed and, oftentimes, ugly. Lately I’ve been thinking about genuineness vs. non-genuineness and those things in life that motivate our words and our actions. This arises from an endeavor to understand my very own genuine self as opposed to a version of myself that is more inauthentic. I'm on a path to self-discovery. 

So let's define genuine…

GENUINE...

adjective

1.

possessing the claimed or attributed character, quality, or origin; not counterfeit; authentic; real.

2.

properly so called.

3.

free from pretense, affectation, or hypocrisy; sincere.

4.

descended from the original stock; pure in breed.


I have been on the receiving (and bestowing) end of what could be classified as non-genuine attitudes or behaviors. Social situations where someone has said or done something purely because they wanted to make a specific impression on those present, the goal being either to impress or to discourage. 

Who hasn't done that?

BUT... I hate feeling like I know somebody only to have them change their stripes when placed in a different setting. I know I have been guilty of this very thing - changing who I am based on who I’m around, either out of imagined necessity (I can’t be myself right now! I don't like myself!) or out of spite. I say spite because I think it’s very easy for us to exploit others’ weaknesses or shortcomings to make ourselves feel “bigger” or more important. We tout our accomplishments and our strengths, strutting around pretentiously while giving ourselves congratulatory pats on the back. Especially if we feel that another individual is encroaching on our personal success or happiness. Among friends and family where we might perceive a natural pecking order, our self worth might feel threatened if we begin comparing our failings to another's strengths. As a result, we go on the defensive. We contradict our "opponent" at every turn. Why? To make them feel small. To satisfy our pride and reaffirm our supposed superiority. To make sure that the spotlight is shining big, shining bright, and shining on ME. 

There are some people we just want to put in their places. Others - we want to BE in their places. We take pains to be more agreeable and more in sync with these people. We’ll purposefully steer a conversation in a certain direction. We’ll feign interest in things they’re interested in, intentionally putting others around us at a disadvantage and monopolizing the majority of the conversation. We may even make disparaging remarks about others, present or non-present. In scenarios such as these our actions bear strong affectation. They are designed to impress and to manipulate. For example... 

I am with a group of people. Alice, Barbara, and Chloe (A, B, C). Of the group, I really want to impress Alice. However, I feel threatened by Barbara. How am I going to stand out? Well, I happen to know Alice really likes a certain book. I also know that Barbara happens to dislike the same book. If I want Alice to hold me in higher esteem than Barbara, I will openly praise the book and make it known that Barbara doesn't share the same "opinion." In one conversation I have lumped Alice and myself together, alienating poor Barbara and making her seem incompatible. I don't necessarily have strong feelings about this book one way or the other, but the book was never the point. The point was putting Barbara in her "place" and thwarting her attempts at friendship. 

Where does Chloe fit in all this? ... I don't know. I guess she's a complete non-threat. Which is a problem as well. Chloe, who is probably a lovely person and completely deserving of my friendship, is passed up for either being either an inferior opponent or an inferior prize. Poor Chloe. 

Pretension. Manipulation. All completely non-genuine. It's not about what I really think or feel, it's about pandering to one person over the other. It's about winning. There is perhaps a genuine need for validation in this scenario, but the means by which I find it is a complete fabrication. 

While I know I am big time guilty of all of the above, I do feel like I try to be the same person, my genuine self, despite my audience or despite the situation. Simply because, as stated earlier, I hate it when I think I have encountered someone's genuine self only to turn around and find a complete stranger upon our next meeting. I understand that people's moods and even their attitudes shift based on location, situation, audience, etc. These are social norms. Another reality of being human. I don’t have a problem with these changes - I take issue with people who change their entire personality when it seems most advantageous. People who are two-faced. Or even three-faced. I want only to have the one face.

And yeah, sometimes regardless of our very best intentions, emotions kick in and override our behavior. But even then, you can still have the one face that wears an array of potential expressions. We're not expected to remain static or unchanging in feeling. But there are those for whom simply changing expressions isn’t quite enough. They change faces completely. They become foreign to one while becoming familiar with the other. They act out among their peers to raise themselves just a bit higher. Their true identity is unknown.

That’s why I am seeking my genuine self. I envy others who know who they are and are never tempted to act otherwise. I don’t want to be an inconsistent or hypocritical manifestation of Lauren. I don’t want to change masks. I don’t want to participate in conversations where the only way to build myself up is by tearing someone else down. I want be myself and inspire others to be themselves. I may be preaching a bit and I freely acknowledge that, but this has been frustrating for me. Especially seeing in myself those negative qualities I’ve described above. I think they’re hideous. And I don’t want it to be how I experience the world around me or how others experience me or my personality.

And even though this formula is better suited to an elementary school classroom, I think it would be a good place for me to start...

Before you speak… T.H.I.N.K.

Is it TRUE?

Is it HELPFUL?

Is it INSPIRING?

Is it NECESSARY?

Is it KIND?


Especially the bit about being kind.

And so, if you're reading this, I give you permission to correct any perceived two-face-edness on my part and call me out on my (for lack of a better word) bullsh*t.

Two Oh One Two

Glancing back at my endeavors for 2011, I realized something very troubling. I didn't really succeed at any of them. Maybe there were a few where I saw some improvement, but frankly, some were complete disasters. And now I have the task, woeful as it seems, of compiling another list of endeavors for 2012. So do I try and repeat my efforts? Do I try to think of new ways I can ultimately let myself down? YES. Because though no one really cares about what I decide to do, it's important that I keep doing it. The pessimist in me says, "Why bother?" and the optimist in me (if you could even call it that) says, "Yeah, listen to that guy." Not really. Optimist Lauren says, "Okay, let's try..." 

This year I decided that it might be good if, while engaging in all these worthy pursuits, I focused a bit more exclusively on one each month of the year. This doesn't mean I will let the others fall by the wayside. Rather, as I begin 2012 I will take things slowly and concentrate the bulk of my efforts on just one item every 30 days. There are only 6 items on my ambitious list. So, I'll have the opportunity to revisit each of them at some point during the year. I just think if I start the year running on all cylinders, laboring to achieve everything all at once, I will most definitely burn out. They say it takes 20 days of doing something before it finally becomes a habit. I figure I could use a full 30. And hopefully by the end of the year, I will have cultivated a set of useful habits or qualities where before I had perhaps been too weak or lazy to care.

So... Realizing no one cares much to hear about others resolutions, my endeavors for the New Year are as follows...

January/July - Dance or walk everyday. Every. Day. I seem to enjoy these two activities the most as far as exercise. I'd prefer to start the year off trying to get my body on board for the rest of the year. My work-out routine will also include ignoring the number on the scale as I try to focus mostly on how I feel. Losing some poundage is the main objective, but as long as I'm working hard the weight will come off. Oh please.

February/August - No fast food or take-out. Sound familiar? This excludes eating out at restaurants, though maybe I'll try to monitor what I order a little more carefully. The longer you go without eating a certain something, the less your body craves it. I will also make an effort to pack a lunch for work more often.

March/September - Build my testimony. Prayer in the mornings and in the evenings without fail. Writing in my journal everyday. My real live journal. Studying everyday and trying to apply what I've learned. I don't want to rely on what others say the Gospel or the Atonement should mean to me, I want to learn for myself. I want it to be personal.

April/October - Acts of kindness. For whomever or whenever the occasion arises. Everyday. Today (as I was out on my walk... One day down!) I noticed a neighbor's Sunday paper sitting at the end of their long driveway. So I decided to walk it up to their front porch. After tossing it, I saw their large, black St. Bernard come running out of its kennel, sounding the alarm. I only peed my pants a little. No worries.

May/November - Do something musical. Singing, playing the piano or guitar, getting my family to do musical things with me... Music makes me happy and I want to feel more comfortable using what little abilities I have. This may include finding a voice teacher... If I'm brave enough. 

June/December - Read. I'd like to complete a book a week if I can. I used to love reading. I still do, but I find my attention span isn't quite what it used to be. That, and I devote too much time to... other things. I have my Book Club every month, so there's a book (or two) a month right there. I would like to start by delving into some Agatha Christie. I've long been a fan of her mysteries and to tell the truth, I want to read for fun as much as I do for the acclaim.

And so I raise a bubbly glass of Martinelli's to the New Year and leave you with this little thought, just in case you were wondering what you should do for 2012:

“This year, mend a quarrel. Seek out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust. Write a letter. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest your loyalty in word and deed. Keep a promise. Forgo a grudge. Forgigve an enemy. Apologize. Try to understand. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Be kind. Be gentle. Laugh a little more. Express your gratitude. Welcome a stranger. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love and the speak it again.” 

Pres. Howard W. Hunter