Inventory

Breaking radio silence and returning to take inventory of the last few months or so. 

January

Moved out of my parents' house... yet again. I made the decision to move out waaaaaay back in August when I started working at Rainey Homes. So it only took me 5 months to finally pull the trigger. That Lauren's a slow mover.

Started another semester at SLCC, this time with a full schedule that had me bouncing back and forth between Salt Lake and Davis County a couple times a day. It's the most classes I've taken at one time since going back to school - mildly terrifying.

Got through some emotional hurdles after the move, most difficult of which was a sense of isolation. This coming from an introvert. 

February

My biggest incentive in taking on more credit hours was so I would qualify for a tuition waiver through SLCC's Visual Art & Design program. Apparently they have scholarship money just laying around so I upped my course load and applied. I made it through the first round of the application process and later had to present my working portfolio to a room full of department heads - extremely terrifying!

Received said tuition waiver. I like when school pays for school.

March

Went on a family vacation to St. George to see a Queen cover band perform at Tuacahn. The concert was excellent, which was good because if it hadn't been this vacation might have gone down as one of the worst in Waters history. Rivaling even the capsized boat incident of 2003 at Lake Powell... Let's just say you never want to lock your keys in the trunk of your rented 2015 Volkswagen Passat. You will be carless until someone smarter than the car's computer can find a way to liberate your keys. In our case, that meant several days and 2 tow-truck trips while the car held our personal belongings hostage.

Submitted 4 pieces to the 2016 Student Art Show, 3 of which were accepted. Allow me to remind you of the lengthy entries about last year's show. 

Received 2 awards at the show. One of which was... uh... Best in Show. I received it for a piece I designed in my Advanced Typography and Layout class last semester. My design instructor explained that a design piece hadn't taken the top prize in the show in over 10 years and that it was A VERY BIG DEAL. I promptly threw up in my mind.

Here's more about the project and the show itself if you're keen. What's sad is there are so many little things I would go back and change. Still might. Sometimes you get too close to your own work and just can't look at it objectively.

April

Had to act as Creative Director for a group project in my Advertising Workshop. I discovered that I like taking charge when I'm not in charge, but once you make it official and slap a title on me I'm not so enthusiastic. I guess that means I prefer the lead-from-behind approach. Actually, I prefer the it's-too-important-I'll-just-do-it-myself-becuase-I-don't-trust-you approach.

Was informed by my roommate of 4 months that she would be selling her home over the summer. I decide to ignore this added bit of anxiety-inducing news until the semester was over and I had the luxury of freaking out in earnest, thank you very much.

Took another trip down to St. George with a friend to see the Beach Boys at Tuacahn. Well, what remains of the Beach Boys. We were rained on (a lot), but didn't mind it... so much. Nobody else seemed to either because the venue was packed. "God Only Knows" was probably my favorite number, but the saxophone solo on "Kokomo" was a close second. Very smooth.

Purchased tickets for the Coldplay concert coming in August. Ended up paying lots of money for a couple of so-so seats and then another small fortune in processing and "convenience" fees. I wonder how much less I'd pay if I were inconvenienced?

May

End of the semester. My heart rate returns to normal.

Saw Captain America: Civil War. This is noteworthy because my life is basically measured in release dates for Marvel movies and British TV shows. You laugh because you think I'm kidding. I laugh because I know I'm not. With the introduction of Benedict Cumberbatch as Doctor Strange, they've basically guaranteed my devotion for at least a few years more. But I am reaching my limit on the superhero movie front.

And while we're on the subject of Captain America, can I just say that I will never get over Peggy and Steve as long as I live. I think theirs is the most tragic narrative arc in the entire Marvel Universe. And then they go and cancel Agent Carter on ABC. Will I never have closure??

Started summer semester. I get to paint sometimes naked people 2 nights a week for 3 hours! Fortunately it's just the one class, but I'm back to using oil paints which is still a frustrating medium for me.

June

Moved again! And not back home to my parents' house like the coward you think I am. Hopefully this will be it for awhile. Moving has officially become my least favorite thing and the next time it happens, I'm just setting all my stuff on fire and starting over.

Besides all the boring minutiae in between, that should officially bring us up to speed. And aren't you glad?

Default

If something bothers me to the point of anxiety (as things often do), I usually default to one of two different modes. The first is Project Mode during which I will simply smother the anxiety by employing my energies elsewhere. I'm sorry, brain. I can't deal with this right now so I'm going to distract you with a project. It's always easier to dismiss the big problems I can't solve and find the little ones I can. And so the bigger the worry, the cleaner my bedroom. My bedroom is immaculate.

The second default is Fix-It Mode, where instead of avoiding a problem I will dive right in and obsess over a solution. After all, dissecting a problem and examining all its bits and pieces will surely help me fix it, right? I can fix it! Wrong. Because for every [insert problem here] I try to fix, I usually find 5 more. And some things just can't be fixed by sheer willpower.

These practices of total avoidance or immersion have served me well (or not so well) in the past, but they've been a bit less effective lately.

So what's happened lately? Nothing, really. I'm shouldering many of the same worries I've carried for a while, they're just a bit heavier. Most of these worries revolve around an elusive sense of self/purpose. While others seem to be settling into a comfortable routine, I have this frantic feeling of just getting started. The landscape of my future isn't clear and let's face it, I'll be 30 in a couple weeks and I kinda hate it. Because it feels like I should be somewhere I'm not. However, this is not some cliche meltdown. I realize nothing significant is going to happen at the stroke of midnight on my birthday; I just wish I had a better sense of what's coming next. It's not turning 30 I'm worried about, it's the years that follow and where those years lead. 

Fortunately, going back to school has given me the strongest sense of purpose and place that I've had in the last few years. When I'm there, I know what I'm doing and frankly, it's easy to switch on Project Mode when you have actual projects assigned. Whenever I start drifting, I can just pull out an assignment and let it take over. That's healthy, right? As long as it's not excessive? And as long as I'm not ignoring any real problems that need addressing??

So while I'm learning more about who I am and what I'm capable of and while things really are progressing, sometimes I worry they're not progressing quickly enough. Or that they should have all been worked out by now. Whatever that all means... sigh... 

Farewell, Spring

Well, the semester officially ended last week and I have now entered a season of mild mourning. Really?? Really... Well, kinda. This was a pretty transformative semester for me academically and I was sorry to see it end. But summer semester starts next week so we'll dry our eyes (dab, dab) and try not to lose momentum.

One memorable experience that I've been teasing you with for the last few entries is the Student Art Showcase. I will share briefly and then never speak of it again - promise!

...as documented on my phone.

Center of Arts & Media

As I mentioned in a previous post, two of my pieces were accepted into the show. Which was good news. Then on the day of the open house I received an email saying “Congrats! If you’re receiving this email, you’ve won an award in the 2015 SLCC Student Art Showcase.” Which was better-late-than-never news. I notified all interested parties (namely the parents and my grandmother) and rushed home from work to get ready. I was a messy jumble of excitement, nerves, and mild irritation - this girl does not like feeling rushed.

250 pieces were featured in the show and roughly 25 awards were handed out including honorable mentions, awards of merit, awards of excellence, etc. I couldn't help but envy some of the pieces I saw, but I was also feeling pretty okay with my own work. Wasn't I? Yes, I was... I think... 

Honest Abe secured me an honorable mention and a gift card to Blick Art Supply - not too shabby for my first show. He remained on display at the college until I finally had to pick him up last Friday and bring him home. He's now waiting for a more permanent home somewhere on my bedroom wall - a wall that I haven't had the courage to pound any nails into since finishing my bedroom remodel. Another post for another day...

In the Eccles Gallery...

Pretty sure I overdressed for the occasion. 
One day I WILL be hip enough for the art scene, I swear.

So, there you have it. Not one more mention of the showcase from this day forward. Not unless I enter next year's show and have anything worth posting. 

Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down

So I'm posting about school again. Sorry?

With some persuading from an instructor and a couple classmates, I submitted a few pieces to the SLCC Student Art Show. It covers all types of media, from fine art to digital, so what will ultimately end up in the show is anyone's guess. The criteria was limited to "Submissions are due by 11:59 on Wednesday, March 29th." No mention of how many pieces will be picked overall, let alone for each category. I'm supposed to find out before April 2nd which of my pieces are "Juried In" (green thumbs up) and which are "Juried Out" (red thumbs down). Brutal...

A few people have asked to see my work, so I'll show you what I submitted for the show as well as a couple others I like. Hopefully there's something in here the judges will raise a thumb to. I am still learning. If anything, just appreciate the fact that I've come a long way and that paintings don't photograph very well, okay? Okay.

At the Breakfast Table, Oil painting, Study in light to shadow relationships

Lauren's Hand, 29 Years I, Oil Painting, Study in light to shadow relationships

Lauren's Hand, 29 Years II, Oil Painting, Limited palette/time

The Boy Who Would Not Grow Up, Oil Painting, Tonalist

Long Day, Oil, Limited palette/time

Honest Abe, Graphite

It's a Color Match After All, Color matching assignment using cut out paint swatches
(This assignment got the Mary Blair treatment.)

10 minutes...

10 minutes. I told myself I'd give this post 10 minutes before finally putting my computer away and going to sleep.

Spring Break is this week and while I would normally use that as an excuse to put all thoughts of school out of my mind, I think I'm actually going to miss my classes. I've even taken to working on a few projects in my free time. While it's work, it doesn't always feel like work. Even my painting class has been far more rewarding than I would have initially guessed. Paint is not my preferred medium - too messy and unpredictable. That first day in class was almost my last day in class, but I was compelled by my instructor's enthusiasm and felt it would be a positive environment to work in. If my work was terrible, let it be terrible! We meet 2 evenings a week for about 4 hours each evening. My other class - Illustrator Software - meets twice a week as well, but from 8 to 10:20 am. Between the two, that's a lot of hours spent in the classroom (so many hours), but it's all paying off and I've felt more and more encouragement with each completed project. I know I'm beating that same ol' drum, but I'm just glad that, after a couple years of uncertainty, I finally decided to go back to school.

Sometimes I wish it were easier or that I could be finished faster. Then again, what's so great about easy? It's easy to fall into a rhythm of only safe choices. It's easy to procrastinate making harder choices. It's easy to get caught up in the tide of what other people are doing. It's easy to settle when you think it's too late to start over. It's also easy to wish you'd just made the choice earlier. But I'm here now. And glad I am.

On Being Seen

This week I had an experience that pushed me beyond the very narrow limits of my comfort zone. Care to join me?

Earlier this semester my painting instructor approached me about helping out with an in-class demo. Ah, yes, I thought. He's finally realized the extent of my abilities as an oil painting protege and wants me to show these amateurs how it's done... While I didn't really think that, I was curious and wanted to help out... so I asked him what he needed. 

"Would you mind sitting for me when we do our portrait demo in a couple weeks?"

Well, I don't know what I expected, but it certainly wasn't that. We had an in-class demo a few weeks prior where we studied light to shadow relationships by painting an orb. This would be the same kind of thing, except no orb. Just me. Shoulders up and fully clothed. But still...

I didn't know how to respond and when that happens I usually end up saying something foolish, like "Sure!" Which is really just no-not-really-but-I-don't-want-to-say-no disguised as compliance. So I said, "Sure!" He didn't want to pressure me, though... He would understand if I didn't want to because he realizes some people aren't comfortable with that sort of - "Sure!"

But after class I felt less sure. 

This would mean being on display in front of my classmates while my physical self was scrutinized and then painted onto a canvas. Being in the spotlight is intimidating enough, but this was more like being trapped under a microscope. Thinking rationally, I knew that was pretty melodramatic. But the irrational part of me - the part that is sometimes just a bit more persuasive - didn't know if I was up for it. 

Then again, part of me was flattered. Not because I thought our instructor had found in me his muse and had to immortalize me on canvas (tosses hair)... Please. No, I was flattered because I thought perhaps he considered me a competent painter and someone who maybe (maybe?) didn't need to see the demo as much as the other students. In other words: Yeah, Lauren has this. 

Or maybe he just needed a face and any old face would do. 

One week later I was asked if I was still on board. Well, I had already practiced posing in the mirror soooo...

"I'm sure if you are!" Liar.

On Tuesday evening I showed up for class feeling slightly angsty. I had an unsettling dream the night before that the portrait was being painted at a local LDS meetinghouse and when I arrived I was told by a receptionist to wear a robe and nothing more. The halls were lined with dozens and dozens of nude portraits and every time I entered a room, it was already occupied by someone else getting their portrait done. All nude! I didn't know where I was supposed to go so the rest of my dream was spent frantically looking for an exit... Analyze that if you'd like.

In real life, it was finally demo time. My part was very simple - sit in this chair under this lamp and get nice and comfortable. And then don't move for a good long while. I stared at the back wall of the classroom and concentrated on my eyebrows. Work your magic, eyebrows... Keep the face relaxed. Don't blink too much. Don't look at the painter. And for the love of the Mona Lisa, do NOT break out in your trademark splotchy neck blush! 

Our instructor explained what he was doing throughout the demo and answered various questions. People laughed a couple times - something about my eyebrows looking angry in the painting. Come on, eyebrows... But it put me at ease. "Uh, you guys realize I can't see what's going on, right?" There was no mention of any hideous deformities. Nothing like, "And you'll notice here is where the second chin begins..." followed by a generous brushstroke. At one point I was asked if my complexion leaned more towards pink. Well, obviously... And now slightly more-so.

_______________________________

One hour later, we were done. A photo was taken so our instructor could work on the painting while the rest of us started our own portraits. My eyebrows did look rather intense, but when I snuck another peek at the end of class, I was surprised by what I saw... 

In class we've talked a lot about painting what you see, not what you know. And that there is more to painting a portrait than putting in a lot of unnecessary details - you're looking more for the shapes and colors that capture a person's likeness. I worried that I wouldn't like or even recognize the likeness captured in the painting. I didn't think I'd want to know what our instructor, or anyone else, saw while observing me up there.

But I was wrong. The portrait itself, though still in its beginning stages, was lovely. I didn't necessarily think I looked lovely in the painting, it was the overall effect of seeing yourself as someone else might see you. And feeling okay with it. 

If you're still reading this (anyone?), I would like to liken this small step beyond my comfort zone to a couple thoughts from author Brené Brown...

Sometimes the bravest and most important thing you can do is just show up... Most people believe vulnerability is weakness. But really, vulnerability is courage... We must ask ourselves, are we willing to show up and be seen?

This painting, for me, was a souvenir of courage borne from vulnerability. Of a reluctant willingness to be seen. In it I recognized my shapes, my colors. And I decided it was nice, being seen like that.

A Follow-Up

Now that the semester is officially over, I decided this evening I would start doing all the things I'd put off for the last couple weeks. Things like laundry, decorating for the holidays, and giving an entire movie my undivided attention. The Shop Around the Corner was starting when I arrived home from work so I sat right down and watched the whole thing. I like this side of December much more than the last couple weeks.

One bright spot amidst the dark darkness of finals was my birthday. I took the day off and gave myself time to finish up the last of my projects for the semester. Katie took me to Costa Vida for lunch, Alisa stopped by the house on her way home from work with a bunch of yellow tulips and some chocolate just for me, then the folks took me to La Cocina that evening for dinner. But the brightest spot of all? I received an email that afternoon from my instructor (THAT instructor), notifying our class that the final grades had been posted. She mentioned, once again, that she takes attendance very seriously and would not be making allowances in her advanced classes if we had excessive tardies or absences. Fine. I wasn't thinking that far ahead - I just wanted to see what my grade was. 

I opened my student profile and slowly scrolled down the page with one eye closed. As long as I didn't know my grade, there was still a chance I passed. But once I knew, that was it... ACK!

So... I passed. And what's more, I somehow stayed above a B. I almost cried - my terrible punctuality had not totally compromised my overall grade. Earlier in the semester I posted that one thing I enjoyed about pursuing this degree was that your work speaks for itself. This class made me work harder than any other I've ever taken and my final grade was a welcome acknowledgment of the many hours and lost weekends I'd put in. Still, my list of New Year's resolutions for 2015 should probably include overcoming my tardy tendencies. 

You Would Cry Too If It Happened To You

Have you time for a rant? Too bad. It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm playing the it's-my-party-and-I'll-cry-if-I-want-to card NOW.

I'm currently driven to distraction by the fact that I might not pass a class in which my instructor said my work was beyond that of even some of her advanced students. She did. She also asked if she could keep some of my work to show her future classes. Which I agreed to. She even thanked me once for knowing who Ladybird Johnson was. 

Surprisingly, I still love this teacher and her class. I show up, contribute to the lectures, and work on projects during appointed class time, even when most other students leave as soon as the lecture's over. My last project took me well over 20 hours to complete and now all that hard work might end up in the pooper due to an attendance policy that was not communicated in the class syllabus. The entire class felt sucker-punched when she announced the news about HOW our tardies and/or absences would affect our grades. Right now I have an A or better, but that could all change. "Don't worry - some of my best students have had to retake this course."

Uhhh... What about my assignments? What about all my work in class? WHAT ABOUT LADYBIRD JOHNSON??

We'll know on Friday when the final grades are posted... I've never prayed for a C in all my life. If those handful of tardy-but-only-by-a-few-minutes make the difference between passing and not passing or if the pothead that sat next to me who was ALWAYS on time but basically just occupied a chair before falling asleep - if he gets a passing grade and I don't, I will have no choice but to... but to... but to... 

Retake the class? Oh, please... Gimme that C!

Heart of the Artist

Room's still a shambles. I have 2 1/2 seasons of Gilmore Girls left, 6 samples of paint, 23 boxes of laminate, and 1 1/2 walls left to patch up and sand down. And school has started once again. Who knows how long I will live like a first world refugee in my parents' basement?

With school starting, I've had to overcome a few inevitable flare-ups of anxiety and insecurity - Why am I here? Should I be doing something else?? I already have a degree! I've taken only a couple classes during each of my semesters at SLCC so far, mostly because working full time doesn't give me many options. Especially if I want to excel in each class, which I really do. So while the work for this degree is happening slowly, at least it's good work.

One thing I've had to separate in my mind - and it really sounds so stupid, but this is the level of insecurity we're dealing with - is embodying the image of an artist vs. working as an artist. As if looking the part suddenly means more than the work itself. When the semester started, I realized there were some pretty hip folks in my classes that seemed to fit a certain aesthetic we associate with artists and designers. (I've seen enough movies and read enough cool design blogs to know what they look like.) I saw them and worried that perhaps trendy outfits, large frame glasses, body piercings, and/or a few tattoos gave them an advantage. Because they looked... artsy. See? Stupid. 

We're now 4 weeks into the semester and I'm starting to feel more certain of myself and my classes. I've realized that one advantage of pursuing an education in visual arts is that, whether you look like an "artist" or not, your work is what's important. And it doesn't require the type of performance that puts you directly in the spotlight. I can work quietly and anonymously at home or in a classroom setting without the physical act of creating being under scrutiny. My instructors are the only ones who occasionally step in to offer guidance or feedback. And suddenly there is this thing that I've created, and while the thing itself represents me, it is still not me... It's external. If that makes sense...

In both classes - one is Typography & Layout, the other is Foundation Drawing 1 - we have class critiques for each of our projects, but it's generally a positive experience. Like myself, my fellow classmates are all so involved with their own pieces that there's little time for worrying about how well others are doing. Instead, we feel mutual appreciation for each other's talents, especially as we consider the level of difficulty required for each project. It's an encouraging atmosphere and ultimately, our completed projects speak for themselves, whether they speak well or not. 

Hopefully mine speak well. Even if I don't necessarily look the part. 

Through all the world there goes one long cry from the heart of the artist: 

Give me leave to do my utmost! – "Babette's Feast", Karen Blixen