Open Letters

Dear Google Images,

I thought my search was innocent enough. I was just a girl looking for a picture to put on her blog... I even had the safety feature set to moderate because past experience has taught me that regardless of how specific the search, some pretty weird/nasty stuff can still filter through… My safety feature has now been set to strict. Thanks for the eyeful, Google. Shudder…

Dear Guy-who-jumped-out-of-his-car-at-a-red-light-because-my-sister-honked-at-him-for-cutting-her-off,

Maybe you shouldn’t be such a reckless driver, cutting people off and scaring them to death. Maybe then they wouldn’t have to honk at you to make sure you knew they were there. Get back in your car and stop carrying on like a lunatic.

Dear Penelope Cruz,

Your blue dress at the Oscars was one of my favorites. I would like to borrow it sometime. Oh, and while I’m at it, may I borrow your figure? Seems a shame to take the one without the other. I can’t promise I’ll return either of them, though.

Dear Conda (Biggest Loser),

I don't know you, but I'm pretty sure I hate you. (How much do I hate her? Find out HERE!) And based on my research, so does America. You might not need to worry about me so much, but I know if my sister ever runs into you down a darkened alley it will not be… pleasant. Hopefully by then you will have shed enough weight to run for your life… because you’ll need to. She really hates you.

Dear Hair,

While you are currently a lovely shade of brown, I’m still getting sick of you. Time to chop, chop, chop.

Dear Unreliables (including - no - ESPECIALLY myself),

If you say you’ll do something or be somewhere, then do it. Be there! And if you can’t, please don’t say you will! You don’t want to be labeled as Le Flake. If you can’t be depended on, eventually no one will turn to you for anything.

Dear Zuppa’s,

Why does your Thai Peanut Chicken salad have to be so GOOD? I could eat it every day.

Dear Psych,

You return to television tomorrow night! You left us with quite the cliffhanger after your latest episode so I’m gonna need some answers… But I’m afraid those answers may lead us ever-closer to the end of the series, so maybe hold off on the answers for a while.

Dear Pillows,

You’ve been letting me down lately. Pun intended. I wake up with all sorts of pain in my neck and shoulders and I think it’s because no matter how much re-configuring I do during the night, I can’t find quite the right pillow formation for optimal sleeping. We’ve never had this problem before! Might be time for new pillows.

Dear Bloggers,

Why do some of you blog about how you don’t have time to... BLOG? If you do have time to pop by and share a little something, don’t devote the whole of your entry to writing about how you’re too busy to be there. I love it when I see new blog entries. I get very excited about them because I'm a little bit lame and probably have way too much time on my hands. But sometimes I get my hopes up and an entry will only talk about how the blogger doesn't have anything to blog about or they just don't have time. So, yeah... basically everything I had already deducted from your lack of blogging. In these instances of the absentee blogger, I just assume they have other stuff going on. No big deal. That, or they're dead. I hope it’s not the latter. Keep on blogging!

Dear Brother,

I love you! 

Dear Illegal U-Turner,

If you pull off on the shoulder of the road and completely stop your car, you’d better make sure there’s nobody else coming before you decide to randomly whip around and flip a U-ie (Ewe-y? U-ee?). Then I won’t have to nearly crash into you and, like my sister, honk my horn really loud and make angry faces at your face. You have a rearview mirror for a reason. And a turn signal. And a brain.

Dear Handsome-Boy-With-Swagger,

I don't like that other girls talk to you. Not that I ever would (or ever could) talk to you, but I don't want anyone else talking to you either. So stop it!

Dear Maple Bacon Donut,

When can we make this happen again?

Dear Me,

Do yourself a favor and go to bed early tonight. Nice and early. It will make waking up early that much easier. 

Yours,